If you adopt children with severe emotional issues, mental illnesses or mental disabilities, be expected to walk through fire when you attempt to find help for them.

When it is no longer safe for them to remain at home, when a parent MUST seek an out-of-home placement in order to ensure their safety and that of other family members, it has been my experience, on three diagnosed kids over the last decade, that they will then turn on you.

My other choice would have been to possibly allow a murder to take place. And then if it was not me killed, I would have to face questions such as, “Why did you not seek help? Were these verbal and physical threats? Have you had him in counseling?”

This... more

It’s starting to look quite likely that I may only be able to write my minimum number of posts this month. It’s not a time issue for me as I can blog quickly, rather it is a number of challenges in my home right now that I’d prefer to resolve first.

A big one is criticism and outright condemnation. I’ve finally gotten to my computer after a few days away from it and have caught up on Nancy Spoolstra's recent posts about facing unwarranted blame.

I’m... more

A friend of mine who blogs about her challenging ten kids, soon to be a dozen, once wrote about visiting her son who was then residing at boy’s ranch. She found it upsetting, on Family Days, to see some kids with no visitors, no family at all. These were some rather severe children yet they are no less deserving of a family to call their own.

As I struggle with a child or two in each sibling group that seems to eventually bomb out of living with us due to safety issues or arrest records or whatever,... more

The one who wanted to kill me, the one who’d have no feelings about it either way as he’s oddly anti-social in a manner that four psychological evaluations have been unable to pinpoint without a great deal of descriptive and frightening words detailed in this previous post; this same child wouldn’t speak to me after I drove an hour for a family counseling session. Nor would he participate.

This results in yet another, “What now?”

We are possibly... more

My kids went out the door to school somewhat subdued and tentative. When a family member is suddenly not here, and left after quite a ruckus, I am left to deal with uneasy children who fear that it could happen to them.

They do not logically step back and realize that it was the threats of murder against family members that did the trick. Their massive emotional insecurities rise up and overwhelm them; they thought this Mama was forever. Jose is gone, are they next?

I cannot give my kids any solid answers right now as I have none. How long will he be gone? I don’t know. What happens next? I don’t know. Is he going to be able to come home? I don’t know. Will he act... more

Continued From Part One

We were just home from church, I hadn’t even gotten lunch on the table, nothing really precipitated this, and nothing ever does.

I’ve been documenting his threats over the last year, I’d printed out some blogs detailing his rages, and I had several psych evals in a folder, done three times over a ten year span, as a lot of professionals have tried to determine what his issues are. I had everything right there in one place and fortunately grabbed it as we went. I wish I’d taken a book to read as it turned out to be a long, long day.

Seven... more

It started like a million other times, a child’s refusal to accept responsibility for her negative actions. She kept going, stirring herself into frenzy until she’d provoked an older, unbalanced brother into a murderous rage. He stormed into the kitchen, came roaring up at me, informing me that he was going to kill me. He’s my height but outweighs me.

I flared up, didn’t back down at all, “You just try it,” I’d glowered, hoping my 20 year old son could get downstairs fast enough.

The other brother of that bunch, gifted and very attached to me immediately burst into tears, something he never does, and yet another brother, older and larger was by my side in an instant.

My... more

And along with our back to school preparations I literally have to factor in the time sucked up by anxious, upset, apprehensive and fretful children who are always highly suspicious of, and resistant to, change. We’ve recently had two broken windows punched out in their wild-eyed fear that was manifested by anger. Kids are picking at each other until someone bursts into tears over nothing and I have to settle everything.

Yes, everyone needs structure and routine and the school provides it well.

I have eight boys out on the back deck... more

With a couple dozen children in and out of my house, grandchildren coming over, and all my large gardens demanding my attention, my computer time is sometimes very limited. I awake early, drink coffee and often pound out my frustrations, blog style, before I go about my business for the day. I’d come back to see several comments about RTCs and the frustrations involved, I’d sort of answered in advance my perceived ignorance of many of the steps involved as each state, each institution, and often different individuals... more

I wish that I could say, “Here’s what all adoptive parents of severely disturbed older children should do.” But it would only look like this:

1) 2) 3)

There is no handbook, no guide that’s guaranteed, only descriptive narratives detailing how others have struggled along, to which I am adding my own experiences.

When one lives with a severely disturbed child, one needs to take steps to protect the other children. What I’m learning now after many years, as I look back, is that I was often the target. There were threats, noises, intimidation attempts, and volatile situations that required my immediate attention, often also the deputies, but I’ve not actually... more