Once upon a time I only had 16 children and so I had my home study updated for another adoption. I had an excellent caseworker who always wanted me to wait a couple of years between adoptions and back then I would have been too pushy without her putting on my brakes. Looking back, I’m certainly glad that she did so.

Back then I had several in college and one other who was grown but rebelling all over town, weird stories coming back to me that never made any sense. She was working and paying her own bills and my parental influence over her was real close to zero.

Or so I thought. In reality she’d listened to my admonitions and requests for her to continue her education and... more

Continuing from Part One of Birth Families Finding Us, one daughter immediately went for comfort food; pinto beans and nachos in our case, the younger children kept running into the room to make sure their older siblings have survived this trauma.

Sad to say, it is traumatic and grossly unfair on every level.

This charming young lady was denied the right to live with her four birth siblings, not meeting them until her late twenties. She lives several states away so she still won’t be able to see them as much as I know she’d like to.

She told me she felt guilty upon learning... more

What kind of boundaries should adoptive parents set for their grown children? What if these children have a long history of stealing, lying, hurting others and remorseless, manipulative and anti-social behaviors?

I’ve heard from several parents lately of their very difficult grown children. Here at Christmas they’ve shown up expecting gifts, never acknowledging the damage they’ve caused, maybe not even recognizing that fact.

When a kid is so damaged as to not comprehend the ramifications of their vicious behavior, it’s a little difficult to... more

My world has flipped. In therapy today my son was called out for oppositional compliance.

No kidding. This kid is so oppositional he was being compliant to annoy us all. Anything we said was met with agreement, no participation whatsoever was involved.

Eventually he irritated himself and switched sides before shutting down entirely. And this therapy was effective today, how?

But I’m finding that kids who need intensive therapy are often the same kids that won’t participate at all.

“Whatever,” was today’s curt,... more

I dare anyone who has adopted older children from the system to read this article. It is horrifying and totally realistic. It’s the same story I’ve heard from so many parents, and it’s been lived out here within our own family as well.

“Over the years the three have been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, affective attachment disorder, post traumatic stress... more

Parents who’ve adopted older children usually bemoan the obvious – the lying and the stealing behaviors.

To tell you the truth, I’ve learned to live with those behaviors early on while doing my best to redirect them. I’ve seen progress but it has taken years. The children who did not lie and steal were nearly revered by me. The majority of children in our family do not lie or steal, that’s the good news.

What I’ve found terribly difficult to cope with all these years has been the emotional and mental illnesses. All of my children... more

I’ve belched out my frustrations so often lately that I’m wondering if I have any good kids. I do, I really do. The majority of my children are awesome and those that aren’t, wish they were, they just can’t help some of their behaviors.

My 20 year old son spent most of his day today driving me to grocery stores and getting a Christmas tree with me. He could have been out with any one of his girlfriends but he chose Mama. He needs our time together as much as I do. He needs quiet reassurance that he’s still my kid after growing up and moving out. He’d only had a mother for... more

As soon as I heard the news regarding the teen shooter, I wondered to myself if he’d either been a foster child or been adopted as an older child. I quickly tried to blow off that thought as paranoia on my part, having lived so long with children described like him. Yet reading these words today on a CNN site sent chills up my spine.

“Todd Landry, director of the Nebraska Division of Family and Children's Services, described for reporters the laundry list of residential... more

I’m hearing from many adoptive mothers who are saying the same thing. This era of blogging is allowing many of us to realize we are in similar circumstances, fighting the same battles, and facing equal challenges.

One of the most surprising ones I’ve faced have involved kids, adopted as older children, who are totally unable to leave the nest at age 18. Growing up I’d hear many of my own parent’s friends counting the days until their rebellious kids turned 18 and then the parents would theoretically be free from strife.

I’ve found this to not be a possibility for us.

A dear friend of mine, the mom of twelve challenging children and my colleague at Adopt... more

I’ve been asked to describe my adoptions and one in particular stands out in my mind as difficult. I’d flown to east Texas in early 1999, four years after my previous adoption in 1995. My caseworker liked several years to pass after an adoption finalization and I trusted her instincts totally.

Entering their foster home I was a bit stunned to find a hoochy-dressed seven year old, a four year old still in sagging diapers, and a raging, spitting, biting, non-verbal two year old who continuously pumped out from his rear end what resembled goat turds. These three children were... more