During our most recent family crisis, all eyes were on me. How will Mama handle this? What’s really going on?

I do not share the details, with my younger children, in many situations involving grown up children. Traumatized children have ultra sensitive radar systems and they pick up on every nuance of my behavior. They knew something wasn’t right, stress and tension etched in mama’s face, but mama’s still cooking dinner, taking everyone to soccer, providing structure and routine. The difference was the 19 month old grandbaby on her hip; where’s his mom?

“She’s taking care of a situation,” was my vague response as my cell phone rang constantly, the wall phone as well.

At all times, through all circumstances, it is imperative that I maintain stability and routine around here. I am not allowed the luxury of a time-out to regroup, all my chores and responsibilities continue and, truthfully, I feel I owe that to my children.

I told all the social workers, when I adopted my children, that I’d provide well for them, that I’d be who I said I’d be, that I’d be reliable and consistent.

Traumatized children need this dependability more than most kids Even my older children crave this structure and routine, we fix nearly the same array of dishes at holidays, the kids ask me for weeks beforehand, “Are we having Heavenly Hash? Is Grandma making dressing?” Over and over, questioning me closely as if I’m an inveterate mind-changer, but knowing I’m not.

This routine question and answer marathons are necessary and part of the process.

Many older adopted children from the system now come with a diagnosis of adjustment disorder or conduct disorder, two broad terms that attempt to encompass the spectrum of behaviors stemming from children who’ve been traumatized.

Behavior modification, in the form of over-doing structure and over-emphasizing routine, has worked to some degree within our family. It has certainly become a habit; it is second nature even for me now. This is a necessary step I must follow, a small price to pay to see marked improvement in children with some obvious behavior challenges.