As adoptive parents I think the most horrid feeling you can have is not being able to make things right for your child.

Some times your adopted child is going to feel sad.
No matter what you do to comfort them or chase away the feelings, they will still have to live through them.

There are a lot of things we can do to take care of them. Such as feed them, pick out cool clothes for them, fix their hair just right. Buy them nice bikes and toys or books. Make sure they bath and learn manners. Teach them about God and what you know to be of value in life. However, you can not heal their emotions.

When they know they are adopted. At some point they are going to wonder why? What made my biological mom or dad give me up? They are going to ask themselves millions of questions. You will see the results of the sadness but no one but the birth mom or dad will be able to give them the real answers they need.

It is a place we can not go with them. A quiet place inside of them where they have to work out things for themselves. We can tell them how much we love them and are so happy to have them as our child. We can buy them books to read and music to listen to. We can give them several reasons of why?
Or what we were told. Bottom line is...We can't feel the space for them.

I honestly believe that this is why PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder), RAD (ReAttachment Disorder) and the various types of depression and anger problems are a result of.

Some kids get mad because they don't know why their biological parent allowed them to be adopted. Some kids feel deep sadness. To the point that it becomes depression. Some kids are traumatized and we can't honestly say where the traumatization comes from. It could be a result of feeling lost or unwanted or abandoned due to being placed up for adoption.

Some of us may not agree with this thought pattern.
Some of us may resent the implication that giving up a child to assure the child a better life, can result in the child feeling such negative feelings.
However, just as the adoptive parents cant control
how the child emotionally feels....if the biological parent is not a part of the child's life they can not control or be a positive influence either.

I have seen both sides of adoption. I have talked to hundreds of adoptive parents and children. From my experience I can say 90 percent of the children I have talked with struggled with bad feelings and depression due to wondering why? their biological parents gave them up for adoption.

I have met very few who said they did not let that issue be a focus in their life. For those who did feel complete and whole. It was a remarkable family unit that they came from.

all I know is that I hurt when my children hurt.
I want to hold them and make everything they are feeling go away and keep them safe. I would create them a pathway to happiness and joy if I could.
But it rips my heart to pieces when there is nothing I can do but watch the people I love most in this world hurt. I can't change it. I just have to be a quiet source of strength and understanding.

As my children have grown up. They talk more to me about their feelings for their birth parents. I wish that their parents had taken the opportunities of our open adoption and chose a pathway to their children. But they didn't. They even resented the phone calls the kids would make to them when ever they found out where mom or dad lived.

I could never take away the anger or the hurt from them when mom or dad did not say "I love you." Or "Nice to hear from you." I just had to be still and let life happen.

It blesses my soul to hear positive remarks from other people who have an open adoption that works.
Where the kids can be part of a good solid life.
With extra people to love and care for them.

I wish every adoption could be so positive and loving. But for those parents who have lived some part of what my experience has been. I feel for them. Our job is to be there and to love our kids.
Even when we can not stop them from feeling the hurt.