Comments on: Adoptive Parents Are Often Held To a Different Standard http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff Addressing all the issues faced by those who adopt older children and support by others who have. Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:35:36 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: UnschoolingMama http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-989 UnschoolingMama Sun, 26 Aug 2007 03:08:03 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-989 Oh Cindy. A very dear friend of mine is going thru this very same thing. She has cried out to me, to DCFS, to anyone who'll listen that she needs help for her severely disturbed son. Everyone looked the other way. Now he has made false allegations, and everyone is asking her "why didn't you get HELP?". Huh?<br /> <br /> Her two (very young) foster sons of 2.5 years were removed during the investigation. The supervisor of investigations has all but declared the allegations "unfounded" (with a plethora of professionals backing the family). Yet those foster boys have not been returned... 6 weeks later.<br /> <br /> I'm sitting here, 8 children in my home- 5 adopted- 1 foster son, wondering if I should pull my head out of the lion's den...<br /> <br /> Praying for you,<br /> Nicole Oh Cindy. A very dear friend of mine is going thru this very same thing. She has cried out to me, to DCFS, to anyone who’ll listen that she needs help for her severely disturbed son. Everyone looked the other way. Now he has made false allegations, and everyone is asking her “why didn’t you get HELP?”. Huh?

Her two (very young) foster sons of 2.5 years were removed during the investigation. The supervisor of investigations has all but declared the allegations “unfounded” (with a plethora of professionals backing the family). Yet those foster boys have not been returned… 6 weeks later.

I’m sitting here, 8 children in my home- 5 adopted- 1 foster son, wondering if I should pull my head out of the lion’s den…

Praying for you,
Nicole

]]> By: blueschiz http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-988 blueschiz Sat, 25 Aug 2007 17:35:54 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-988 It only takes one very bad adoptive parent experience to make a public organization have to thoroughly investigate any claim. They really don't have a choice about that. They could choose to do it in a more understanding way, though! I don't understand why they can't see that you both have the same objective.<br /> <br /> Hang in there. As always you have my admiration, support in any form I can give it, and deep appreciation for sharing your experience. It only takes one very bad adoptive parent experience to make a public organization have to thoroughly investigate any claim. They really don’t have a choice about that. They could choose to do it in a more understanding way, though! I don’t understand why they can’t see that you both have the same objective.

Hang in there. As always you have my admiration, support in any form I can give it, and deep appreciation for sharing your experience.

]]> By: Kelly http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-987 Kelly Sat, 25 Aug 2007 16:38:12 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-987 Thanks for the blog Cindy. I wish everyone could read it! Thanks for the blog Cindy. I wish everyone could read it!

]]> By: Cindy Bodie http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-986 Cindy Bodie Sat, 25 Aug 2007 12:31:47 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-986 Img/Lisa, You have raised some terrifyingly interesting thoughts, as have all y'all for me. I have much more to blog as I proceed through this land mine area...this 'high alert' phenonmenon that we adoptive parents encounter. I'm going to mull through everything and post later. Thanks everyone. Your comments and opinions mean a lot to me. Img/Lisa, You have raised some terrifyingly interesting thoughts, as have all y’all for me. I have much more to blog as I proceed through this land mine area…this ‘high alert’ phenonmenon that we adoptive parents encounter. I’m going to mull through everything and post later. Thanks everyone. Your comments and opinions mean a lot to me.

]]> By: getting old http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-985 getting old Sat, 25 Aug 2007 01:26:17 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-985 I don't think adoptive families are respected as much in general... I see them bend over backwards for some of the birth moms and dads... and even locally just come and snatch all the kids in what seemed relatively minor thing<br /> <br /> I know of two cases locally where children were in foster care and their birthmoms had been adopted, and that legal grandma (through adoption) was not permitted to gain custody of her grandchild<br /> <br /> I've known of stories when I was trying to adopt where minior things happened, bad, but not major, and because the family was "adoptive" kids were yanked (one case mom was caught buying pot, or at least that was the story in the record) and kids who had been their 6 years were yank out of house (here just pot is a non-issue... in a bio home nothing would have happened)<br /> <br /> even some of the abusive stories that have hit news over the past 5 years.... had the same thing happened in a birth home (say the cages) odds are the kids would have been returned after parents attended class, worked their plan, etc...<br /> <br /> when I fostered I've known cases where kids were not fed in birthhome and almost died and as soon as parents finished class, kids were returned...<br /> <br /> the only kids not returned were ones that had been very badly sexually abused, or parents were in jail, or parents just gave up, or parents were MR or mentally ill<br /> <br /> I just also hate having to live in a state of high alert over the fact the DSS may be knocking on the door again, any day, over something the RAD kid did or said..<br /> I don’t think adoptive families are respected as much in general… I see them bend over backwards for some of the birth moms and dads… and even locally just come and snatch all the kids in what seemed relatively minor thing

I know of two cases locally where children were in foster care and their birthmoms had been adopted, and that legal grandma (through adoption) was not permitted to gain custody of her grandchild

I’ve known of stories when I was trying to adopt where minior things happened, bad, but not major, and because the family was “adoptive” kids were yanked (one case mom was caught buying pot, or at least that was the story in the record) and kids who had been their 6 years were yank out of house (here just pot is a non-issue… in a bio home nothing would have happened)

even some of the abusive stories that have hit news over the past 5 years…. had the same thing happened in a birth home (say the cages) odds are the kids would have been returned after parents attended class, worked their plan, etc…

when I fostered I’ve known cases where kids were not fed in birthhome and almost died and as soon as parents finished class, kids were returned…

the only kids not returned were ones that had been very badly sexually abused, or parents were in jail, or parents just gave up, or parents were MR or mentally ill

I just also hate having to live in a state of high alert over the fact the DSS may be knocking on the door again, any day, over something the RAD kid did or said..

]]> By: lmg1567 http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-984 lmg1567 Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:51:20 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-984 John, I think the rationale behind them watching us more closely has to do with them covering their butts. IF a foster/adoptive family ends up on the front page of the daily paper for killing or maiming their adopted child who is going to be in the hot seat next? The workers who approved the adoption, placed the child in that home, etc. One adoption worker told me that he couldn't believe how DCFS would approve several adoptions in a row to the same family and just sing the family's praises for all to hear and then at the hint of trouble (real or imagined) they would cut off all sociable contact to that family and start murmuring amongst themselves that they "knew something wasn't quite right". Damage control, pure and simple. I believe we are the least likely people to do bad stuff to our kids, after all, we're the one's who know there is always room for one more and that there's always more love to go around. Yes, I think we are more easily intimidated because we value our families above all else and that's our weak point. We'd paint our house purple if it meant keeping our kids safe.<br /> Lisa John, I think the rationale behind them watching us more closely has to do with them covering their butts. IF a foster/adoptive family ends up on the front page of the daily paper for killing or maiming their adopted child who is going to be in the hot seat next? The workers who approved the adoption, placed the child in that home, etc. One adoption worker told me that he couldn’t believe how DCFS would approve several adoptions in a row to the same family and just sing the family’s praises for all to hear and then at the hint of trouble (real or imagined) they would cut off all sociable contact to that family and start murmuring amongst themselves that they “knew something wasn’t quite right”. Damage control, pure and simple. I believe we are the least likely people to do bad stuff to our kids, after all, we’re the one’s who know there is always room for one more and that there’s always more love to go around. Yes, I think we are more easily intimidated because we value our families above all else and that’s our weak point. We’d paint our house purple if it meant keeping our kids safe.
Lisa

]]> By: Julia Fuller http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-983 Julia Fuller Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:38:46 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-983 John, I've been told the same as IMG, by numerous people at DHS. <br /> Cindy, I had the same quandry when my daughter was in school. She would call and say she forgot her gym shoes for the 8th week in a row. We always have to worry about the perceived motives. John, I’ve been told the same as IMG, by numerous people at DHS.
Cindy, I had the same quandry when my daughter was in school. She would call and say she forgot her gym shoes for the 8th week in a row. We always have to worry about the perceived motives.

]]> By: John http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-982 John Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:15:18 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-982 I was investigated twice by DCFS. The first was understandable and cleared quickly. The second was years later and so vague that it was hard to understand the very quick and determined response. <br /> <br /> Img that is the first I have heard a CPS worker admitting to more intesity in watching adoptive families. What do you think is the rationale? Are we more likely to do bad stuff? Are we more easily intimidated, and so more teachable than parents who are apt to blow them off? Talk about looking through the wrong end of the telescope. John I was investigated twice by DCFS. The first was understandable and cleared quickly. The second was years later and so vague that it was hard to understand the very quick and determined response.

Img that is the first I have heard a CPS worker admitting to more intesity in watching adoptive families. What do you think is the rationale? Are we more likely to do bad stuff? Are we more easily intimidated, and so more teachable than parents who are apt to blow them off? Talk about looking through the wrong end of the telescope. John

]]> By: debbiem@wi.rr.com http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-981 debbiem@wi.rr.com Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:08:17 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-981 cindy, i completely agree with all you say. we are held to a different standard. i only have 2, but i always feel eyes on me in stores, etc., due to us being a`transracial family and their behaviors due to their having FAS. sometimes it is just exhausting. i try to tell myself we are educating people without them even knowing it just by seeing us and watching our interactions. but stil... cindy, i completely agree with all you say. we are held to a different standard. i only have 2, but i always feel eyes on me in stores, etc., due to us being a`transracial family and their behaviors due to their having FAS. sometimes it is just exhausting. i try to tell myself we are educating people without them even knowing it just by seeing us and watching our interactions. but stil…

]]> By: lmg1567 http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff/comment-page-1#comment-980 lmg1567 Fri, 24 Aug 2007 20:44:31 +0000 http://older-child.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/24/adoptive-parents-are-often-heldto-a-diff#comment-980 Hang in there Cindy, it's not going to be easy (as you unfortunately know) but we have to believe the truth will prevail. I have also experienced that "higher standard" crap for foster/adoptive parents. I have no patience for that. I thought that once all of our adoptions were final and we had turned in our foster care license we would be done living in the fishbowl as far as protective services were concerned - I was wrong. A PS worker actually told my daughter during our last investigation that PS looks much more closely at adoptive families to make sure the kids are being taken care of, especially if the kids were once a ward of the state. Silly me, here I thought when the adoption was final, they were "ours".<br /> <br /> One day at a time.....you'll get through it and be even stronger. Hang in there Cindy, it’s not going to be easy (as you unfortunately know) but we have to believe the truth will prevail. I have also experienced that “higher standard” crap for foster/adoptive parents. I have no patience for that. I thought that once all of our adoptions were final and we had turned in our foster care license we would be done living in the fishbowl as far as protective services were concerned – I was wrong. A PS worker actually told my daughter during our last investigation that PS looks much more closely at adoptive families to make sure the kids are being taken care of, especially if the kids were once a ward of the state. Silly me, here I thought when the adoption was final, they were “ours”.

One day at a time…..you’ll get through it and be even stronger.

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