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“I have to steel myself for this each and every time. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but at least now I know from experience that a decent outcome is somewhere down the road.” Continuing from a previous post, I’m still on a roll.
What is also difficult for me, as the mama, is the finger pointing from society.
“If you’d raised them right then this wouldn’t be happening,” or “That’s what you get for adopting troubled kids,” when my children get arrested, kicked out of school or entangled in other sorts of problems.
That hurts.
But since I can’t control what others are thinking, I just try, and the emphasis is on try, to control my own reactions. I rail out loud, pouring out my frustrations to a couple of my grown kids who understand, I talk with other adoptive parents who are drowning in this phenomenon, and I pound out my feelings here where I know y’all will understand.
I furiously weed my gardens and I flounce around indignantly like I think that’ll do any good and then I pull myself together and deal with what needs tending to at that moment which is always something.
My twenty year old, ultra emotionally demanding son came in from work last night, itching for a skirmish and wanting to provoke me into an argument. Somehow I didn’t bite, didn’t fall for his ever escalating comments that were well-designed to force me into correcting his behavior. I just kept on doing what I was doing, nodding my head at him in an obviously distracted manner, talking to my other son who’ll be 21 this week, answering a phone call from my son in Texas who’ll be 25 this month, and my other high-strung son finally worked through his agitation which always boils down to his internal angst and worry about ‘does mama still love me?’
Of course I do. I’d found Valentino’s Extra Hot Sauce yesterday at the grocery store and texted him, knowing in his mind that it seals the deal for him. At age 20, Mama still cares, she just proved it, but I’m finding that I have to prove it many times each day.
My other 25 year old son lives here and has been laid off from his job. My kids didn’t move out at age 18 knowing how to get and keep jobs, yes I thought I’d covered it in the many discussions we’d had, but did I really think it’d stick? Get real Cindy, experience is the best teacher and at least they still run back to mama to learn how to regroup, get back on the horse and ride, make the next plan, learn what they need to learn from this, and continue on.
“Did y’all not get that memo?” I’ll holler in aggravation when a kid thinks it’s appropriate to get tattoos that show. Jeepers.
My daughters are amazingly close to me, reminding me each day through the grandchildren that the next generation will be my reward for all the frustrations and for me hanging in there with this generation. My 23 year old daughter is due to deliver her first child any minute now, my 15th grandbaby coming, thank God for these happy events.
My 18 year old son is under intensive probation, just out of jail again, no way would I let him live with us right now. Another child will be turning 18 this year and my then lack of control over her choices scares me, terrifies her older brother as she’s so very troubled. We just want to protect her; she doesn’t see it that way at all.
My other grown children are in varying states of disarray or success. I’m always a phone call away from learning of a disaster or a wonderful accomplishment that they want to share. Some grown kids are mad at me at times for the results of their poor choices that I’d warned them against making. Some are grateful when I’ve helped and some blame me for not helping when I refuse to enable them.
My nerves are often shot or my blood pressure is through the roof but overall the challenges spur me on, the rewards greatly outweigh the despair and I continue each day holding my grown kid’s hands, working here with then younger kids, learning on the run, devising strategies, reworking plans, dealing with results and consequences and hanging in there, usually smiling, always energized and ready to rumble.
Hurray!!
I posted to that particular blog as well. I don’t think it will “end” at age 18, but I’m hoping that I will no longer be legally responsible for the damage my son does, things he steals, etc. – something I cringe at the thought of. I hope that he will be able to get the help after age 18 that no one seems to think is necessary now. Yes, people think he’s an angel and our family must be nuts to think his problems are as severe as I KNOW they are. I have three bio-children 18 and over and they are all normal, healthy and academically successful. They still do things that make me nuts!! Two of my sons immediately got tattoos (in very obvious places) after hearing from me their entire lives how much I loathe tattoo’s. I bite my tongue so often it’s not funny, but as long as they’re following our house rules (my 21 yo just moved in with his girlfriend – he must have missed that memo – you’d think he was trying to give me a stroke), I’m letting them make their own mistakes but my is it hard!!
You are so right, it is VERY hard. And I am very happy right now to NOT have to deal with an 18 year old of mine. He can do whatever he wants now and he can accept the consequences as well.
Ok, so I’m a “NEWBIE” to this process. My husband and I are in our early thirties and strongly considering international adoption and specifically, Kazakhstan. I have heard so many horror stories and I have to say that it makes me reluctant. Is there anything that you would recommend doing in preparation to avoid angst in the long run? What are your thoughts for a newbie????
There’s nothing you can do to avoid angst in the long run. It’s coming and that’s an odd thing for me to say as I am very optimistic and positive about life. I wouldn’t call it horror stories though, this is just life. My thoughts for you are mixed, you are entering an adventure as well, you’ll have fun and love, yet there are inevitable frustrations.