My kids went out the door to school somewhat subdued and tentative. When a family member is suddenly not here, and left after quite a ruckus, I am left to deal with uneasy children who fear that it could happen to them.

They do not logically step back and realize that it was the threats of murder against family members that did the trick. Their massive emotional insecurities rise up and overwhelm them; they thought this Mama was forever. Jose is gone, are they next?

I cannot give my kids any solid answers right now as I have none. How long will he be gone? I don’t know. What happens next? I don’t know. Is he going to be able to come home? I don’t know. Will he act like that again? Yes, likely so.

Then I also struggle with the whole parental failure thing; my love wasn’t enough. I know that’s not the issue, please just humor me and allow me to process through my feelings.

I’ve had several phone calls today from the psychiatric hospital, I’ve faxed information and am waiting on an appointment for me to go there for a family meeting while I fielded calls from my daughter’s liaison from another mental facility, I received a call from my son at a DJJ/OTP facility and one regarding another daughter, the one who is clearly RAD and in a therapeutic placement.

I’m thinking, “Girl you adopted some right tough kids!” and I am allowing myself the luxury of an exclamation mark; something I rarely use as my life would in and of itself demand the overuse of this punctuation.

I’ve let some teachers know about our latest situation, knowing they’ll tend to any fallout from my children who still love their obviously emotionally disturbed siblings. This afternoon will be bumpy and rocky when the kids get home.

On the one hand our biggest instigator is now not here, I’ve learned however that the void is usually quickly filled.