There’s an uproar in the foster care system, and rightly so, to keep kids in care, or at least give them the option to remain in care past age 18. The New York Times had a lengthy article and I read through some great comments there as well.

As an adoptive parent, the need can be equally as daunting. Some of my kids were adopted at ages 12 and 13,and even my 9, 10 and 11 years olds have lacked that very necessary foundational teachings that I’ve been able to experience with my younger children. How do we make up for the critical bonding and lost childhood years?

Conversely I’ve had several children move out at age 17, raging and setting up a rejection that they wrongly felt was sure to come.

A Department of Juvenile Justice worker talked with me yesterday, telling me that the law changed several years ago and I could now charge a 17 year old with running away. Force her home and put her under a DJJ curfew. It’s an option, not a requirement.

I thought about it for a minute. Who would then want an angry, negative, raging and hateful 17 year old forced to remain at home, possibly earning a criminal record and being a bad influence on the younger children. And truly she couldn’t be forced to remain here, she’d leave again anyway.

At age 17 in Georgia, if one is arrested, one goes to adult jail.

At age 18 I am no longer legally obligated to do anything yet I’m still the mama, still available and I’m still searching and seeking as much help as ever for some of my children.

So far, all of my children who’ve grown up and left home have returned with a vengeance, some positively so, some damagingly negative. My point is that 18 is not the magic number.

My 23 year old, her husband, daughter and step-daughter will be moving in the doublewide on my property next month. It’s large fortunately as my almost divorced 31 year old daughter lives there with her son. Electricity and cable are their only bills, no rent payments are expected.

One son, almost 21, moved out of my house this week, another son moved from the doublewide last month at age 21. I don’t push them out if they’re not causing a problem; they’re welcome to remain as long as they need their mama’s influence on them.

A 26 year old son got a DUI. That means go, if you can afford alcohol, you can afford to pay your rent somewhere.

In my experiences with my children, I’m discovering that ages 17-22 can be the toughest years of their lives. Years in which I don’t have the final say, years in which they reap what they sow, negative consequences for negative actions, and hopefully they'll learn from their mistakes, but the bottom line is that I’m still their mom, still available. All kids need that, maybe older adopted children even more so.

I pray that all states will recognize and address this in their foster care policies.

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