Every parent who adopts an older child will face some version, or resulting behavior, from their child based on the one simple, irrefutable fact of a previously damaged relationship between the child and various ensuing caretakers. I wish it were not so, but it is what it is. It is there, like the turd in a punch bowl, there’s no getting around what the punch will taste like.

You can take it out, but there’s a remaining effect. Please don’t misunderstand me and think I’m, in any way, comparing a child to that. I’m only using that ugly example as an attention getting device, but one that illustrates how pervasive the resulting behavior can be.

And it is not the fault of the punch.

“Caregiving that is erratic, rejecting, hostile or abusive leaves a child feeling helpless and abandoned. In order to cope, the child attempts to exert some control, often by disconnecting from social relationships or by acting coercively toward others. Children exposed to unpredictable violence or repeated abandonment often learn to cope with threatening events and emotions by restricting their processing of what is happening around them. As a result, when they confront challenging situations, they cannot formulate a coherent, organized response. These children often have great difficulty regulating their emotions, managing stress, developing concern for others, and using language to solve problems.”

This last issue of Focal Point has been right on target with our particular family, I have devoured every word, re-read most of it, and am blogging in my usual attempt to comprehend how this plays out in our family, hoping that it speaks to others as well, who have adopted older children.

If I had my life to live over, I would once again, choose this life and these children as it has been ultimately rewarding and I cannot fathom my life without each of my own specific children. I am of the school that they were given to me, entrusted into my care, by God. And believe you me; I’ve surely needed His help constantly.

One of my children, a fifteen year old daughter, and a RAD candidate is unable to mimic proper emotional responses to any crisis, event, or occurrence within our family. A totally flat affect at all times, huge issues with a lack of conscience which manifests itself in her constant larcenous behavior, which has subsequently cost her the ability to continue living with us. She has her own room in a very large family. The other kids would rather be crowded in another room than allow this girl access to their stuff. My other teen girls have watched many of their belongings disappear over the years with great dismay.

We’ve been in counseling over this for many years, the Department of Juvenile Justice involvement as she’s on probation for her many thefts, and the Intensive Family Intervention program through our excellent county mental health system…all to zero avail, nada, nothing, no response, no improvement, no recognition in her eyes at all that thieving is wrong, rather we, all us authority figures, are viewed as idiots who just don’t get it.She’s going into a therapeutic intervention soon, if she does not begin to understand empathy for others, respect for the property rights of others, she’s going to face incarceration, something I’d prefer not to happen to her.

Statistically, according to RAD theories, it’s going to be difficult for her to change in the significant way that will be required of her in order to lead a normal life; a shame that this is so demanding and arduous, as she is remarkably intelligent otherwise.