Are you happy right now? If so, can you put it into words? If not, can you describe what happiness would look like to you? Would you know if you were happy? Do you know when you aren’t happy?

It’s taken me fifty something years to begin to figure out what happiness looks like for me. I believe I’m happy because I’m doing what I want to do, I’m living where I want to live with the folks I want to live with. I love my church and my community, my friends and my family and I love what seems to be the main objective or purpose in my life.

I need to teach my children how to be happy, how to trust that uncertain feeling within them, the one that causes alarm when life is not chaotic now as it was when they were young. For so long they’ve been too fearful to either trust or even to assume that life could be good. Just coming into a family hardly allows such hyper-vigilant, guarded souls to even breathe a sigh of relief as their fear is so deep-seated as to keep them awake at night.

I’ve watched them slowly make friends, enjoy school and allow themselves to have fun at times. I’ve also caught them becoming upset when they see me observe them loosening up. My family seems to thrive on control issues and I’m hardly a free spirit for an example.

I’m teaching my kids that everything is a choice. They can choose to get an education, learn to balance a checkbook and have a savings account. They can choose who they date (when they’re 18) and they can choose who to marry, but I’m also teaching them to understand that every choice has a resulting consequence, either negative or positive.

I’m where I am by every choice I’ve ever made. No one dropped 39 children out of the sky and told them to call me ‘Mama.’ I chose my children, even my birth child by the actions I took or didn’t take.

There are no circumstances for me to blame, only my own choices whether wise or foolhardy and I’ve gone both ways over the years. Even choices by omission have results. If I’d bought more land, I’d have more money. Since I didn’t do so, I don’t have the resulting profit.

This also spills over into my ‘no excuses’ rationale with my children. I can explain their sometimes crazy behavior but not excuse it. I can’t give excuses to them either. “Sorry y’all I don’t want to get up today,” is not an option for me.

I’ve got to continue to try and model this behavior as they are always watching my every move with suspicion or amusement, depending on the prevailing winds of emotions around here.

Photo Credit Cindy Bodie