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I must admit that the title of this might turn some people off a bit, but I have to state that bathroom issues are something you need to prepare for! As always, I must state that my experience is with International Adoption. I have read enough on domestic adoption though to realize that some of the things I am going to talk about can apply to all adoptions involving older kids.
With infants we know that there will be diapers and potty training. We expect to have to teach are kids the basics and we teach them the bathroom habits and manners that we use in our home.
When we bring home older kids we have to realize that they may have had different hygiene habits. Different doesn’t always mean bad or ineffective and it is important to remember that trying to change a habit simply because it is different than ours, may not be the best thing. For example: Some families do not flush when there is only urine in the toilet. As long as the lid is closed and the toilet is flushed a couple of times a day this really doesn’t cause any harm. Trying to get a child to flush simply because that is what you do isn’t worth the effort right now.
If you find your child has a habit that can cause problems, it is important to treat them with respect and not belittle them in any way, while you re-train them. My girls didn’t use toilet paper to wipe when they urinated. This caused wet underwear and then an odor that was rather strong (especially in the summer), and could also lead to urinary infections. They were eight and six years old at that time and had been potty trained for quite a while! When I asked them to wipe every time, they literally laughed at me and would only wipe when I was in the bathroom with them. I, of course, do the laundry and I can tell who is not wiping. I kept up gentle encouragement and really hammed it up when their underwear was dry at the end of the day. I’m talking silly dancing and a lot of woohooing! I must state that wiping still isn’t a high priority, but we are getting there.
Many developing countries do not have great plumbing and people are taught not to flush toilet paper. Dirty TP goes into the trash can. This is perfectly acceptable and does not mean your home is dirty. Of course the trash can should have a bag liner and be emptied daily to keep the smell down and the bathroom clean. My kids grew up this way and it was very hard to get them to flush the toilet paper. I felt happy when this point hit home, until the toilet started getting clogged up. Then we had to have a few talks about how much toilet paper to use. It is always something!
Bathrooms are used for much more than just toileting of course. Even if your child is ten, you should supervise the brushing of the teeth, the washing of the hands and the bath/shower routines should also be observed. This can be tricky and there are many variables to consider. Sex of the child determines which parent assists with hygiene. If you are a single parent of an older child the opposite sex, I would recruit the help of a trusted adult to help assess the situation. This may not be your top priority of course, but you should be able to tell if your child needs some extra help by smell, laundry and if they have any illnesses related to hygiene.
You may also have some concerns if your child has ever been sexually abused. Bathrooms tend to be where you get some clues to your child’s possible abused past. Because of this I would not let your child in the bathroom with other children in the home until you are positive your child hasn’t been abused. I would not let your kids bath together until you are positive there has not been abused. I’m talking months and years, not just days. It takes time to uncover your child’s past history. If you have any thoughts that your child has been sexually abused, I would recommend counseling and experienced help.
I have much more to say on this bathroom subject! Stayed tuned for Part 2.
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