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Today we celebrated Mita’s ninth birthday. Her birthday is tomorrow, but it is a school day and she will be spending it with my hubby. He always takes the day off and spends it doing fun stuff with the birthday girl. So we celebrated tonight. It was a hard day for Mita and a trying day for mom and dad. After having a great spa slumber party with her sisters and two friends on Friday, Mita was being a bit snotty and actually complained that no one does anything fun for her!
If you have done any reading at all on adoption issues you will know that special days like birthdays or holidays can be difficult for adoptees. This may be the hardest issue for me to deal with. I think one of the best perks of motherhood is being able to plan great parties and special moments. Looking over this past weekend I can see things I could have planned better. I’ll let you in on my mistakes so that you won’t have to repeat them but first I want to dig a little deeper on why these special days can be so hard for our kids.
I think it could be said that most people become reflective on their birthdays or holidays. We tend to remember how we spent past special moments and the people we shared them with. When you are no longer with your loved ones it takes some of the shine off the celebration. Mita has lost her mom through death and her dad through his relinquishing her and her sister for an international adoption. I have observed that on days like today or on Ethiopian Christmas Mita is torn between having a good time and remaining “loyal” to her dad. We have explained to her that she can be sad that she is not with her dad, yet happy about a holiday or birthday. I think in time she will understand this more.
When you adopt an older child they come with all of these memories that we have no idea about. I have a couple pictures of past birthdays with a special Ethiopian bread and bowls of popcorn. I know that they celebrated the girls’ birthdays, but I don’t know those family traditions they must have had. Did their dad sing to them or have a special activity they always did? This is just one of the many questions I hope to ask the girls as we grow closer and our verbal communication has improved. When I try and ask Mita questions about her past right now, she is either she is vague or so over the top that I know she isn’t telling me the truth, but trying to impress me or her sisters.
For Enu’s birthday in May I will use some of the lessons I learned with Mita.
First, I will keep the celebration to one day only. Due to school issues and Valentines day we have spread out her birthday a bit. So when it is all said and done, Mita will have three different celebrations for her birthday. That would be overwhelming for anyone let alone to a child who has never had this much hoopla over her birthday before.
Second, I will explain what is going to happen in greater detail to Enu. Surprises are not a great thing for us right now. Explaining how everything is to go will help prevent any emotional breakdowns when the unexpected happens.
Third, I will prepare my oldest child and extended family members at home what to expect as far as behavior. Meg was having a hard time with Mita’s attitude. Once I explained what Mita may be feeling she showed more compassion and was very helpful.
I am really proud of Mita. After a bumpy morning she really worked on having a good attitude and had wonderful manners for her party. She even read the cards before tearing open the presents!
Every aspect of your life changes with older child adoption. That could be said with all parenting, but I think it can be especially true when an older child comes into your life and you have not experienced their whole lives with them. I may not have a memory of Mita’s first birthday, but I will never forget the look on her face when she opened up her Nintendo DS tonight. It was her first birthday with us and I’ll treasure it always.
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I just got weepy at your last paragraph. Well-written and beautiful.
Happy Birthday to Mita!
you know, this is so true. There is so much I have missed out on in my older children’s lives. I feel cheated out of those memories. They fill me in at times when a certain smell or site reminds them of something from their birth countries. Sometimes they are sad thoughts, sometimes happy ones.
I too have older children and often think of what it would have been like to have had those early moments with them. I appreciate your thoughts on cherishing the moments you do have. I adore all the special times we have because I know that I have less time with them than I would like. My oldest son is already talking about driving! How scary is that?!