I was asked again about the bonding process in older adopted children and how long does it take? How long before a parent should throw in the towel if they feel their child isn’t bonding?

I nearly spit out my coffee at that one.

Older adopted children actively resist bonding. Why should they trust this next lady? The others let them down, they expect that to be routine now and many years later, some of mine still find themselves surprised that I’ve remained.

I cannot fathom their fear. I cannot begin to understand the depths of their pain and trauma.

What does the new adoptive parent need to do?

The treatment of older-adopted children can be complex and requires consideration of multiple issues relating to the child, the parents, and the therapist. Older-adopted children have often been exposed to a range of developmental insults, potentially leading to attachment problems, post-traumatic stress, behavior problems, learning disability, etc.

But we adoptive parents generally are naïve and later shocked at the level of trauma that has been inflicted upon our child. We have to help the child or children pick up the pieces, heal, and learn to live with the pain that will someday fade. We know that but the child doesn’t. The child often will hang on to their pain as it is familiar and it is all that they know. The unknown is scarier than the painful known.

It takes a lot for a judge to terminate parental rights. By the time a non-infant child is adopted, the chances are very good that s/he has been exposed to multiple and repeated insults, potentially including exposure to toxins, neglect, abuse, exposure to violence, and disrupted attachment relationships. Regarding disrupted attachment, it is important to consider the possible impact of separation from biological parents (even cruel or neglectful ones), siblings, extended family members, foster parents, prior therapists, and other significant people in the child's life.

No wonder they act out. We adopt significantly upset children. And it is not their fault, but they blame themselves.

It has taken me many years to learn this, many challenges and many issues. I’ve not always been so patient and I’ve only now started to understand how deeply hurt my children have been.

Some of my kids are now in their late twenties, early thirties and are only now solidly comfortable with my role in their life. Now they are becoming certain that I am their forever mom. They’ve gone through the predictable and painful process of rejecting me in their early adulthood; they went out of their way to be mean and hurtful to me, to drive me away to prove their own worldview that I didn’t really care about them.

During these estrangements I’ve just laid low and waited for the storm to pass but I won’t fib and say it didn’t hurt me. Eventually they come back around and are then glued to me. The first ten times this happened, the first dozen or so kids growing up and treating me this way nearly sent me to the nuthouse, but I survived and eventually learned the dance they wanted to do. But I changed the steps in order to have a better outcome for them.

Bonding takes a very long time, it is a process. Although I’ve been committed to each child from the first day, the bonding grows over the years and through the trials and the good times.