Parents who’ve adopted older children usually bemoan the obvious – the lying and the stealing behaviors.

To tell you the truth, I’ve learned to live with those behaviors early on while doing my best to redirect them. I’ve seen progress but it has taken years.

The children who did not lie and steal were nearly revered by me. The majority of children in our family do not lie or steal, that’s the good news.

What I’ve found terribly difficult to cope with all these years has been the emotional and mental illnesses. All of my children were hurt in their childhood before adoption in one way or another and all of them were emotionally bruised, physically scarred, or damaged in some way that cannot be seen whether it be in their trust issues or ability to love others, the damage has been done.

The significant mental disabilities really have me buffaloed, but even worse is the lack of available help since ultimately it boils down to our society being unable to care for folks like that.

I read in an Austin, Texas newspaper this description today:

“Dr. Steve Berkowitz, chief medical officer for St. David's HealthCare, said mentally ill patients sometimes sit in emergency rooms for two days while waiting to be moved to a hospital. Many of these patients require full-time supervision, he said, draining staff and resources away from other people needing care.

Patients in psychiatric crisis can be difficult to control, said Dr. Chris Ziebell, medical director for the emergency department at Brackenridge Hospital. Because they don't know when they can leave or where they're going, they get frustrated, start yelling and have to be calmed down.

"A half-hour later, they escalate again, and they're tied to the bed," he said.”

Don’t I know it? We adoptive parents live for years with children of varying degrees like this. Birth parents also have birth children who are mentally ill and their journey is no easier than ours. And again I have no solutions; my goal here is to help other parents realize they are not alone in these battles.

I do not have the option of ‘tied to the bed,’ nor do I think that would be effective. I have few options actually which is why my house has been so damaged.

I was absolutely blindsided by these issues in adoption. It wasn’t what I signed up for, if anything in reading children’s case histories I tried to avoid adopting children with severe diagnoses, yet I still have three significantly disturbed children who will be unable to function well in society and several others who are borderline in their minimal abilities.

I’d advise other parents to find their county mental health facilities and use them. In foster care adoption we are truly blessed by Medicaid which pays for these services. Find a therapist who understands and will work with you, resign yourselves to a difficult go of it, years of heartbreak certainly and as I read this entire article, these words, “they get frustrated, start yelling and have to be calmed down. A half hour later they escalate…” perfectly describe what I call raging – something I witness in our family often.

There’s no logic, no cause and effect resolution, no solution, little help, only very much frustration and grief. It’s a wonder I don’t rage nor need medication. But there’s the difference – logic works with me.

Somehow God has strengthened me to deal with these behaviors and to step back and understand it’s not about me. I don’t like these behaviors, I’m trying to change them into positive ones but it is an uphill, fruitless battle at times.

I understand that some of my children cannot help having these behaviors and I grieve for them ultimately.

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