If one has a nine year old who refuses to go to school, won’t put on his shoes and socks, what should a parent do?

Should he be spanked? No, I don't believe so. I can not spank him and I will not spank him, although I believe, when I'm frustrated, he might learn better that way.

I’ve adopted quite a few sibling groups from Texas and I sign a no spanking policy sheet. I understand their reasoning for this. I do understand and I even agree with them.

Kids who have been abused do not need to be spanked.

So what is Plan B? It’d have to be a loss of privileges such as TV, Nintendo or computer time. This particular child will now rage for a couple of hours. More than a few of my children have anger management issues, an inability to calm oneself, even a diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder. Combine that with oppositional defiant disorder and the cauldron simmers resulting in broken windows and bashed in sheetrock walls.

It frustrates the snot out of me. I’ve long ago learned to maintain my calm as best as I can, knowing that me being angry is why they push my buttons. That recreates the chaos and confusion that they previously knew in their original dysfunctional homes. Stability and security, although deeply craved by them, can also be unnerving.

I mentioned to the four other birth siblings, ages 10-13, who were alarmed at the craziness exhibited this morning that I think this is a child who needs some heavier discipline, a good whipping even. But they know I won’t do so, they even understand the reasoning, as I’ve explained it over and over around here when my older sons threaten to whip someone. “No can do, “is my constant refrain and it is respected and observed.

In a few days, this same son will hope I’ve forgotten about his meltdown today and he will ask, “Can I get on the computer?”

After I correct his use of the word ‘can’ when he should have used ‘may,’ I’ll remind him of the morning he raged. His response will be, “oh yeah,” and a shrug.

I’m not yet convinced that this is working for him. Tomorrow is Field Day at school, a huge blow out party and I’m not going to let him attend. I’ll help him make the connection in his mind with his rage and his failure to comply with minimal rules. It’s been nearly five years and progress is incrementally slow with him and his siblings, all full of violently angry tempers.

He’d have forgotten a spanking also. It would have been pointless.