I was going to write about positive expectancy but I got waylaid by negativism this morning before church. I should be sitting in my Ladies Sunday School Class, absorbing the teachings of Miss Martha, always an uplifting and interesting experience.

Instead I dropped off all the other children and came back home to deal with a 12 year old rager who last split his bedroom door in half and who has punched holes in my walls. He’s again angry because I wouldn’t let him attack a ten year old who accidentally got a drop of water on him yesterday when they were drying off after swimming.

This same young man has literally used the words, “I’m going to kill you/him/her,” constantly all summer, and I have sought the help of our local adolescent psychiatric unit after availing myself of a psychologist for years. This is a truly disturbed son of mine.

I hate to admit defeat. I hate to throw in the towel and understand that my love and my parenting is not enough. I hate that others will look at me, judge me, and possibly think, “That’s what you get for even trying.”

I can not reach him.

He shuts down; he knocks over furniture, slugs people, runs away, glowers menacingly, and is physically threatening to everyone. When I dropped the other kids off at church, a worried 11 year old son begged me to not go back home alone, to please take an older, larger son with me for protection.

People shouldn’t have to live like that. There should be more help available to mentally ill children, kids who are too disturbed to function normally in society. I watched MSNBC’s show Lockdown last night, or rather in the early hours of the morning when I was up fretting instead of getting the sleep that I dearly need.

The psychiatric unit of the state prison reminded me of some times here in our home, when the ‘normal’ kids scatter, when they retreat outside to play ball, and leave me to deal with the acting out, irrational kids who are in dire need of help that is generally unavailable. I was going to write about this link but found it depressing and appalling.

I’d like to call my former Texas adoption caseworkers to tell them that I’ve tried hard for five years with different counselors and therapists, resources, SST, IEPs and special education teams but this kid does not understand that he will end up caged up if he chooses to remain out-of-control, incorrigible and dangerous.

But here’s the crux of the matter, I don’t think he has the ability to choose his ‘bad’ behavior. I don’t think he is wired correctly. I have his four other siblings who vary in their issues and abilities, usually able to maintain appropriately, but occasionally raging destructively as well.

When can a parent put their own safety and the safety of their family at the foremost and remove a child from the home? A child who is much larger than the parent, a child who is clearly disturbed and unable to function in a halfway normal pattern of behavior?

And it, this possible removal, seems to hurt me and his birth siblings the most, he appears to be unmoved by our heartfelt entreaties for him to respond to therapy.