The invitation came in a small and sweet baby pink envelope. Our adoption attorney had set the date with the County Clerk for our finalization hearing, meaning we could start the official countdown — the countdown to being an official family.
We made signs on bright pink paper displaying the “days until Gotcha Day” so we could rip one down each day until the hearing. Our girl, 11 years old at the time, had been through this before but didn’t remember her previous adoption day. This time had to be memorable.
The finalization date was the new beginning we had prayed for, but also seemed like an end to something – no more social workers checking on us constantly, no more mandatory family counseling sessions, no more asking permission to travel, and no more having to explain why I didn’t yet call this sweet young lady “my daughter”.
Unlike many adoptive families, I did not look at finalization day as a big relief. I did not fear my child would be taken away – there were no birth parents rushing in to challenge our petition to adopt. Even her most loving foster parent wasn’t going to protest – she was an advocate for us when the state questioned if us as first-time parents could handle a pre-teen with a history of challenges from a life in and out of the foster care system.
The day arrived, our families came from all corners of the country to be with us to commemorate this special day. The lobby of the courthouse is what I imagined a maternity ward waiting room to be like had I been giving birth that day — our parents nervously making small talk, friends slowly trickling in hoping they had not missed the big event yet.
As the hearing began and the judge went through her script – first asking us if we pledge to care for this child as if she’d been born to us, and then asking our daughter if she in fact wanted to be officially our daughter – I couldn’t help but detach from the proceedings, and give thought to the moments leading up to this day. I allowed my mind to wander and think about the moments to come after we left the courthouse to start our first day as a real family.
But there was a falseness about that idea.
Our family wasn’t formed the day the documents were signed. Our family was formed each day as we shared experiences, got to know each other, and began to trust and ultimately love.
Our family continues to be formed and shaped more than a year since the ink dried on the adoption decree.
Families are formed not at the birth of a child, but through the months of preparation and waiting, in the quiet moments knowing the journey has just begun. Families are formed by trusting someone will share in the happy times and be there to console in the sad times.
Families are formed by sharing history and looking together towards the future. Regardless of the age of a child at the time of adoption, what they want is not the big party, fancy celebration or production made on the day the adoption is final. What they really want is a family.
Written by: Heather L. Scott
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We have an 11 year old boy from foster care. He has been with us 13 months. He is constantly testing us. He knows the rules and will do fine for a day or two and then tests again and sneaks food without asking or washes dishes with water only when no one is looking. Constantly tries our patience and we find ourselves getting madder more often. He wants a family. He says he just wants to belong to a family. My feeling is then why does he keep trying us and why doesn’t he listen and do what he is told? The rules are common sense. Does it get better after adoption? He says he will be good once he is adopted. He is otherwise a great kid. Sweet, helpful, and doesn’t throw fits and loves animals and kids. A good kid but he does have severe ADHD. Is it the ADHD which keeps him from listening? Is it because he is a boy? We aren’t sure. We are scared to death that we will adopt him and then he will never amount to much. Our expectations are not out of line with what we expect from any kid his age. Help? Does it get better after adoption?? We are still scared to finalize the adoption and social workers and even the judge is wondering why.
Dear childforever,
This decision is tough. It sounds like you have all the emotions that you should have to make this succeed but you and your family will have to decide if you are ready to commit to follow through to the end. One of the challenges abandoned/orphaned children face is substantial losses in their life where it may seem (true or not) that the people who they think should still be there have left them or tried to leave them. They nearly always feel that there is something wrong with them that makes people leave. Our oldest adopted daughter was 10 years old when we adopted her but she had given up her home 8 times in those first 10 years of life. She really wanted to be good but often tested (unintentionally) to see if we were really committed. She has been with us for nearly 7 years now and I can tell you she has attached 100%. We do talk about her feelings and our attachment and I think this helps. There were many tough times but things progressively got better over time. She doesn’t recall most of the struggles. In her mind she has been a model child.
Having the commitment of adoption will be a step in the right direction for attachment, if that is what you ultimately choose, but I expect he will continue to test to see if you are really committed until he feels that attachment in full swing. For some children this is a quick transition, for others, it takes time. You have to be prepared for which ever path comes.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Craig
Thank you Craig for your response. It is now October and so much has happened. First the Courts and social workers were wanting a decision. He had been living with us for a year and 3 months and they felt he needed a decision whether we were going to adopt him or not. We struggled with adopting him because of hios behavior but have ultimately decided to adopt him. He worries being abused like he was the first time he was adopted by an uncle and worries about betraying his old family by us adopting him. We understand his anxiety and hope several months after the adoption he will relax. By the way, Lexapro 20 mg sure helps calm my nerves too. I pray any parent who adopts a child from foster care is happy with their decision. It sure is a tough decision to make. Thanks again for your help Craig.