Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
~ Paul Boese
“To err is human; to forgive, divine.”
~ Alexander Pope
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~ Lewis B. Smedes
“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
~ Mark Twain
I receive a good many emails from parents who now feel as troubled as the descriptions once given about their older, adopted children. Once very normal, usually middle class, relatively unscathed by life folks like us, now doubting our own ability to keep on tying our shoes correctly day after day. Can we still make a complete sentence? Speak to other adults without stuttering and stammering when simply asked, “How’re you doing?”

I think we can do so.

After being emotionally battered for several decades now by children who were profoundly hurt by their birth parents and the system, I can still usually hold my head up and smile through my tears. This is hard, no doubt about it, but I think the simple key is always in forgiveness.

I’ve had to forgive the lies, the hatred, the anger, the rages, the destruction, the disappointments, the hurts and the lashing out at me, the thefts, the intense hostility, and the false accusations. I’ve been physically hurt and I’ve watched in shock at the children who’d just a moment before sought cuddling, turn on me like venomous rattlesnakes, spewing out poison and pain.

Over and over again, like clockwork or bi-polar episodes, these explosions come out of nowhere and they harm everyone emotionally.

My heart pounds in anger, I want to scream back how I feel, but I don’t. I try and remove myself, or them, physically from the situation, hoping that cooler heads will prevail at some point.

I’ve broken some dishes, slung them in the sink or on the floor, weeded the tar out of my many gardens, and I’ve stomped for miles in frustration, trying to rid myself of revulsion.

I stew for days until I finally realize that I am only hurting myself with my unforgivenss. It has taken me years and years, constantly grasping at emotional and spiritual maturity, for any of this ability to forgive to be demonstrated to my children.

This will be shorter than my usual posts because this area is so personally difficult for me, yet so necessary in order for me to continue to parent with any expectation of success.