The hardest decision my husband and I have had to make in the seven years since we got our kids is whether to allow contact between them and their birthparents. We first fostered, then adopted, a sibling group (ages 8, 5 and 16 months) who were taken away from their birthparents for substance abuse, domestic violence and mental illness.
For the first two foster care years, the birthmother had one visit with my daughter and no visits with either son. The birthfather had a handful of visits with all three kids as a group, but he missed many more than he kept.
By the time the kids were freed for adoption, the birthparents had lied to them, stood them up for visits, and promised presents that never arrived. When we adopted the kids, the social workers told us it was our decision whether to continue any contact.
For almost a year, we agonized over the decision and were very honest with the kids about it. We told them that we wanted them to have relationships with their birthparents, but only if they could be healthy. We told the kids that we didn’t want their hearts broken again. I believe the kids appreciated that we took it so seriously and were struggling to do what was best for them.
We went back and forth trying to decide whether contact with drug addicts would harm our children more than forcing them to break off contact. Especially with our oldest son, then ten, who had talked about his birthparents every day for the first two years.
In the end, we decided that the most important thing for our children was to have a strong family bond with us, and that forcing them to cut off contact with their birthparents would hurt that bond. We decided that even if the kids got hurt again, it was better to let them have a chance at healing those relationships with their birthparents.
So we opened the doors to contact; called the birthdad on the phone, wrote the birthmom letters (the parents were divorced by then). The phone conversation was wonderful for all three kids, although I will never forget the birthdad saying to me during that call, “I won’t lie to you, Donna, I was a good father.” He said good-bye with all kinds of promises to keep in touch. We never heard from him again.
We never heard from the birthmom in response to the letters. When my daughter turned nine, she begged for a visit with her birthmom. I called the mom and arranged for us all to meet at a park. My daughter followed her birthmom around desperately all afternoon until the birthmom told her, “You sure like to be the center of attention.”
My daughter wrote a few letters to her birthmom after that but never got a response. My oldest son asked for a card and a stamp a few years ago on Mother’s Day to send his birthmom a card because he said he felt sorry for her. He never heard back from her either.
It has been four years since then, and I know we made the right decision. It might not be the right decision for other families in our same situation, but it has worked out well for us. Our kids trust us more, knowing that we didn’t try to come between them and their birthparents. We have been there to comfort the kids when they sent their hopeful letters and received nothing in response.
We eliminated a whole area of potential trouble, where our kids could have fantasized about how wonderful life would be if only they could be with their birthparents. We have a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old now, and we don’t need any extra drama. No matter how mad they get at us, it’s never, “I wish I were with my birthparents.”
It has also been a very valuable, if painful, life lesson for my kids. We don’t always get what we want out of life. People let us down and disappoint us sometimes, even parents. It’s a humbling and sad truth, but it has helped me teach my kids compassion and forgiveness, for themselves and others.
Written by Donna Voss
Photo Credit Donna Voss
Thank you very much for your post. I am an adopted child who grew up with parents that didn’t talk about the biological parents at all and it was not a subject that was able to be talked about. It is good that you love your children like you do and allowed them to form their own opinion on this situation. Thank you. God bless,
Darla Diaz
Donna, you are very brave and an example of the eptitomy of why adoption can be a good solution for some children. Children’s whose lives are disrupted by birth family dysfunction are at risk for a lifetime of disrupted relationships. Being able to bring children into a stable home and allowing those children to have what is possible of a relationship with their birth family is why adoption needs to continue. The fact that you made sure your children understood and had some relationship with their family of origin is a testiment to your stability and confidence in who you are as a mother. Thank you for being a wonderful parent to children who needed you so desperately.
Linda Kats, MHR, LPC
As an adopted child right after birth, I didn’t really become curious about my birth parents until high school. It was then that my individuality really developed and I found myself questioning why I was so different from my adopted parents. However, I never pursued my birth parents and the urge diminished over time.
Though if the situation had been different, and I was living with my birth parents for several years before adoption, my needs may have differed.
I’m glad to hear you gave your children a chance to know their birth parents again. Even though it didn’t work out in the end, I’m sure they respect you even more for it.
This was a decision that my husband and I also discussed prior to adoption. In our hearts, we did not want to allow contact with birthparents who were guilty of abuse and neglect. In the adoption of our first two sons, it wasn’t even an option, as the birthmother was deceased and the birth fathers were not in the picture. Our second adoption, of our 4 girls was a little different. Unfortunately for them, their birth parents were not interested in contact with them at all. That level of rejection has been difficult for our one of our girls to deal with; especially because she is too young to have any real memories of her birth mom. I guess no matter which route you choose, there is difficulty, heartbreak, and pain that has to be dealt with, and ultimately conquered. Meredith @ 10miracles.com