I’ve blogged about mental health and school issues with older adopted children and I have yet another scenario faced by our family. One son, adopted at age 8, sweet as a puppy then, grew up to be an angry, mistrustful, and dangerous teenager.

He’d had multiple caretakers that had let him down over the years, failed placements, people he’d grown attached to end their relationship with him, plenty of disappointments, heartaches, sadness and grief in his short life. To him, I was just another lady; the finality of adoption meant nothing to him. Why trust?

For the last several years his behaviors have grown increasingly violent, much destruction ensued, defiance, lashing out, school failures, court appearances, police involvement and now confinement at a youth detention facility.

I tried to get this young man accepted at an Outdoor Therapeutic Camp but they denied him, telling me he was too violent. Yes, I understand, but his violence seems to be directed at those females that he loves, his birth sisters and I. He also always obviously checked first, at an older brother, to make sure subconsciously that there was someone big enough to stop him. Then he’d get the fight he wanted in the first place.

Today again in court with an awesome juvenile judge and an insightful Department of Juvenile Justice officer, DJJ confinement was recommended, but that officer is trying again at yet another wilderness program.

He’s now 15 years old, it was advised that I disrupt the adoption at one meeting, not something I’d care to do for many reasons; the main one being I am committed to him and I do love him very much. The other is in knowing with certainty that his birth siblings would neither forgive me for that betrayal nor ever recover from the loss.

I got to spend a couple of minutes alone with my son today, he was in leg irons and handcuffs and that is heartbreaking to me. He had a black eye from a fight, he was fighting tears, he does know, on some level, that I’m still in there fighting for him, trying to get him the services and resources that he needs. My priority though is in keeping my family safe and he recognizes that as well.

I told him that this would be part of his testimony some day, his story when he attempts to help someone else. When they tell him, “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” he can reply that yes he does. This brought a smile to his face, knowing that mama always tries to put a positive spin on our many trials.

It’s my story also, one I’ll use when I encourage other parents in the adoption world. No one promised us easy children. Children simply cannot come out of the system unscathed, they’ve been emotionally hurt by the many rejections, moves, and broken promises. They come to us angry and unwilling to trust.

I’ve learned that it takes many years to even begin to undo the damage, my older kids have all pulled through successfully, and I pray the same for this son, I truly believe he’ll someday do well also.