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I have been an adoptive parent for about eight years and all of those eight years, I have worked to be a leader; and in my understanding about leadership, it is about being clear about what I believe, where I stand, what I am responsible for, and taking responsibility for what is mine to be responsible for. Also, it has to be with staying connected with others. Early on, I used to get all caught up thinking that I was responsible for my kids' crazy behavior. Then, I realized that all I could be responsible for was to establish a positive, playful? environment in the home, act with as much integrity as I could, and as well as I was able, care for my daughters, and challenge them sometimes. Also, for me, leadership is a process because I fail so often. I fail by forgetting what problems are mine and what problems are my daughters, and trying to solve their problems. I also get caught up and let anxiety overtake me, usually this is related to taking on issues and concerns that are not mine. I also think that leadership has something to do with knowing about the right distance to maintain with my daughters. I don't generally pursue them because they will just run away. They seem to hear me better when they are coming toward me so I am conscious about when I feel the need to pursue. It is generally a sign that I am feeling anxious. The whole distance/closeness thing with our kids is a complicated issue, especially around 'holding.' Some would say that if you don't pursue your kids, they will never come toward you. I have not been convinced of this and the willfulness that I put into the family equation around physical closeness never worked for me. I think that parenting as leader and coach is a really interesting model and I don't know if it has worked for me (well I am still standing) but it has been really fascinating to parent through that model.

rebrev,
I always enjoy your comments, as I often find I have many of the same thoughts stewing in my brain. Also, I think we are probably dealing with many of the same issues with our daughters. I find the pursuit idea intriguing as we are pressing through it ourselves. I find that when I pursue, the child perceives me as weak...definitely not a leader. When I play "hard to get" (Nancy Spoolstra has touched on this at times) they turn around and begin coming towards me.

I once heard someone teach, and they said you have to decide whether to answer people's questions by saying, "If I tell you, what will you do with this information?" I am honest to a fault, and will express my thoughts/feelings/opinions all day long. But my girls don't use this to do positive things...they just gather the info to know how to get under my skin and drive me to distraction. So when I begin withholding my thoughts on things, they notice! And then they get worried. And then they begin chasing me around watching my every move, and trying to gauge what is up. I find in the situations where they are pursuing me, anything I send their way is at least considered, and often taken and kept.

Plus there is so much we silently do, that IS in fact being noted, though we don't know it. My thirteen year old recently remarked to her father that she wanted to keep house like me some day, because I vacuum EVERY OTHER DAY!!! She apparently is greatly impressed by this because it allows her to wear her white socks around, and they don't get ruined. How many other small things are we doing, that they are taking note of? The sum of which might add up to a normal, happy life? (Someday)

You both left me a lot to think about here. Very interesting comments...