Older Child, Older Children Adoption

02/11/08

Leading Better Lives

Posted by : Cindy Bodie in Older Child Adoption Blog at 06:01 pm , 396 words, 665 views
Categories: Adoptive Families

“A very wise therapist told me once that we cannot measure our adopted children's success in life against our own. We are successful if our adopted children are leading lives better than that of their biological parents. By that, admittedly low, standard, ALL of my five daughters are successful, including the one with a felony meth charge on her record. It helps me immensely to keep that in mind.”

Y’all are absolutely writing my blog. All the comments from this post brought many thoughts to my mind so I hope I’ll spend the rest of the month addressing what y’all have told me.

This standard, this thought makes 100% sense to me.

I sat here and thought about all my children and even factoring in arrest records, convictions, probations and all the other problems and issues…by Golly my kids too are doing better than their biological parents. Way better actually.

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This comforts me greatly.

“Isn't it sad how much comfort I feel hearing from the rest of you?” Slowly Drowning wrote a great comment yesterday and I feel exactly the same. It’s not that misery loves company but we are truly living on a different planet where our standards and our lives are not at all like our neighbor’s families.

I also appreciate the fellowship I’ve received here from readers, y’all truly understand.

I sat with my 18 year old daughter and we talked about her six siblings that I’ve adopted. Even the one who has seemingly dropped out of high school at the end of her senior year is still 7 grades ahead of her birth parents. The two oldest children are grown now with fulltime jobs and cars…something their birth parents never achieved.

I have other grown children who’ve completed college which obviously their birth parents did not do, most of my 39 children had totally uneducated parents, hardly finished elementary school grades and lived in total poverty. Drugs and alcohol were undefeated demons in their lives and sadly, nearly all of my adopted children had birth parents that’d also not been parented properly, second generation foster care and many more previous generations of neglect and hardship.

JStevens, the comment author, had literally flipped a light bulb over my head. OK now I get it, this comforts me and encourages me greatly.

Photo Credit Anya Rice

9 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: scrapsbynobody [Member]

· http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/

So funny that I was thinking about you today while I was in the bathroom taking a shower and taking off one pair of PJ's just to put on another. I know that sounds weird, but you often talk about your kids feeling most secure to come and go finding you still in your PJ's as some tangible proof that you never went anywhere exotic while they were gone. Mine too.

And while I was doing this, I was thinking the same thoughts that you express in this blog. So much of our efforts and energy as adoptive parents seem to circle around whether we are reaching them, getting through somehow. But we might never see something that looks like it with our children. Instead, it might break free as they look at their own children some day. I know. I am the child of an older adopted child. Her mother, my grandmother, made a terrible mess of herself and her children. My mother will never fully heal from that, and as a result, she was never fully whole, and that impacted my life greatly. BUT...she did worlds better than her mother, and I do worlds better for my children. My adoptive Grandma is my hero, and I am following in her footsteps, and if she was still living I suppose she might be proud.

If you had looked at us a few generations ago, there would be little cause for hope. But someone stopped the runaway train and slowly, painfully got the wheels rolling in the opposite direction. My Grandmother took a lot of crap for what she did. My mother did not appreciate it fully, and often expressed a great deal of resentment toward her, even in adulthood. But I am so very grateful, for myself and my children, and my grandchildren to come.

Permalink 02/11/08 @ 21:44

Comment from: jsteven45 [Member]

Glad my comments helped. Some days I keep repeating the therapist's words like a mantra! Your blog is a wonder. I adopted my children serially, so even though there were five of them, there were never more than two at a time. I get exhausted just thinking about your family, but I also admire your undertaking tremendously.

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 09:14

Comment from: fatcat [Member]

I love the runaway train analogy.

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 09:52

Comment from: condo-mom [Member]

Trying to get a handle on this concept in the case of an int'l adopted child. Not sure at all what life was like for her b-parents, except that they had (likely still have)very limited options. It's a very pragmatic culture where relinquishing is perhaps not just your Best, but your Only option. (In their minds very likely, my daughter now Has It All and should appreciate it.) But I can see the benefit to ME of thinking this way -- instead of constantly holding my daughter up to the ideal of "truly doing your best" or "what you could have done better," if I could look at where she comes from . . . Rachel

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 10:50

Comment from: KerriWV [Member]

When I read that quote in your comments yesterday, I felt relief wash over me. My 18 year old son, adopted 10 years ago, may NOT be living up to *my* standards, but by golly he has raised the bar over his birth parents. He graduated from highschool--mostly homeschooled. He is still in the military--though he appears to be trying to figure a way out. He hasn't been arrested--his birth dad spent YEARS in prisons. (though my son was caught stealing drugs from a neighbor and giving them to a local dealer to sell, but no charges were pressed, and with the help of law enforcement, a judge, and a probabtion officer, he did have consequences here at home.) He hasn't done drugs. Better than the birth parents.

So maybe I haven't failed after all!!!!

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 12:16

Comment from: Bippette [Member]

My 18 year old (who has been with us almost 6 months) was filling out a form the other day. On the form he listed my husband and I as contacts, but on the relationship field he wrote down "Friend" instead of Guardian or any form of parent.

What do you do when an older child clings to an absent Birth Parent and refuses to acknowledge your parental role in their
lives?

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 15:33

Comment from: Cindy Bodie [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com

Bippette, I don't have an answer, I've even had a couple resort to calling me Cindy instead of Mom. Maybe I'm thick skinned, hard-headed or of the school you can 'call me anything but late to dinner'. Eventually they go back to calling me Mom or Mama.

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 17:09

Comment from: Cindy Bodie [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com

Scraps By Nobody - that's what I mean. Y'all and your comments pop into my mind constantly. I didn't realize your history, that puts yet another interesting spin on things. An angle I need to keep in mind as I keep on learning how to function in these difficult situations.

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 17:11

Comment from: Cindy Bodie [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com

Rachel, Three of my daughters were international adoptions and another six of my children were born in Mexico and El Salvador but came to me through DFACS. JStevens comment has held true in these situations as well. And like Kerri, relief has washed over me.

Permalink 02/12/08 @ 17:14

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