A thoughtful reader, John, commented yesterday on the neediness level of his sons, touching base with his constantly as they seek enormous emotional reassurance.

I have a 20 year old son who has lived with me for seven years, he was the oldest of 7 children, and all the responsibilities had fallen on him before adoption. He’s been very easy to raise, glad to share his responsibilities, indeed he shed himself of them to some degree. Still very emotionally involved, he attends soccer games, and lives with us; his presence alone soothes his siblings.

But we’re at a touchy point in his life. He still needs to be babied, but he needs to spread his wings also, to establish his own identity and this is very, very tricky in older adopted children. A large, good-looking emotional toddler plopped on my sofa, flexing his tattooed muscles…an odd sight.

If I suggest anything remotely resembling independence I run the risk of making him feel rejected, something I do not want to do at all. I deeply love him and his emotional confidence is shaky. He’s handsome yet insecure, physically strong and emotionally iffy.

I talked to a friend yesterday, and she and her birth son had to make an enormous effort to sever their apron strings, he’d asked her politely to back off, not call for awhile and it was painful for both of them. He was the one though who needed to force the “split”.

This son of mine has a good job, a very good job that is demanding and pays well. He’s gone each day from 5 a.m. until 5 p.m., and then he’s off with his friends, coming home to sleep and change clothes. We’d been hanging with each other constantly, him needing the emotional support from a mother, and me always enjoying his company, but lately we’ve both made an effort to distance ourselves somewhat.

It’s a tightrope. He’ll holler at me, half in jest, “You don’t love me anymore,” just to get me to respond that I do. I rarely initiate the hugs nowadays, he can if he needs one, and he does at times. He calls and texts, but he’s learning to tend to his own bank accounts and money, he’s learning (slowly) about not getting credit cards, how to deal with income taxes, and to budget.

He still circles me physically, constantly, checking that I’m still here, tending to his siblings, being who I’ve always said that I am, his mama. Other mamas left. That’s his worldview. I need to continuously prove to him that I won’t leave. I know that I won’t ever leave him; he needs to know that as well so that he can continue properly into all developmental stages of life.

It’s my job to get him to that point.