One reason that I rarely leave my dirt road, especially during summer, is that I can’t find a babysitter, nor would I want to do so. How much would a qualified caretaker charge for the 20 or so kids that are here? I almost never, ever leave my house unless my 33 year old daughter or my 27 year old daughter is here. Very rarely I’ll allow a 16 or an 18 year old daughter to baby-sit some of the kids, but almost never more than just a few. I’d never consider a stranger; my strong-willed kids would eat them for dinner.

The bottom line is that I am responsible for all of them; it is not the job of the older kids to baby-sit the younger ones so that I can go out. If I wanted to go out, I wouldn’t have had children.

It absolutely makes me want to scream to read the newspapers and see a “mom’s boyfriend charged in child’s injury” story. Even though I am single, I realize that this is a single mom’s dicey dilemma in not having a father to help. I chose to not have a father to help and I’m fine with that, but it boils my blood to see so many children paying for other choices that parents have made.

I know that a two parent family is the ideal family. I don’t disagree there, I just also don’t know another man that could be strong enough to live the kind of life I live with this many issue-filled children. Maybe I just don’t know enough men; this dirt road isn’t very populated.

The San Antonio newspaper today has a balanced story regarding this issue. I’m so black and white, this or that only, that I sometimes can’t see both sides. I’ve been living with traumatized children for so long that I tend to take an extreme view of necessary safety measures. Heck I’m the one who doesn’t believe 16 year old kids should drive, I make mine wait another year. I don’t care if this is over-protectiveness, I’d rather err on the side of caution.

As such, I’ve been in the unenviable position of sending my 16, 18 and 20 year old kids, two daughter and a son, with my debit card for more milk, more cheese, and yet another list of groceries all summer. It’s easier to send them than to feel good about dumping childcare responsibilities on them. Being hyper-vigilant pays off here as they know exactly what brands to buy, what sizes and how many we need. When school gets back in session, I’ll be freed up to bring in the groceries, but for now, I publicly am thanking Miriam, Vanessa and Edgar for their help.

Miriam’s pictured here with my newest grandchild who had the remarkable foresight to be born late at night, after the kids were in bed and when my parents were back in town. I’d left four grown kids watching over sleeping ones that night, congratulating everyone the next morning that they were once again aunts and uncles. I wouldn’t have gone off for anything less important than that.