Older Child, Older Children Adoption - Not Enabling My Children To Break the Law

02/25/08

Not Enabling My Children To Break the Law

Posted by : Cindy Bodie in Older Child Adoption Blog at 04:09 pm , 457 words, 696 views
Categories: Challenges

It’s not just my tough family, all too often lately I hear from despairing moms, moms with well-raised, birth children who grow up and throw all their values out the window. Then the consequences hit home…or do they?

I once had a very difficult time comprehending the damage that I potentially do if I rescued my grown children from their natural consequences; if I paid their bills when they ran up a credit card or called their boss and made excuses for them when they didn’t get up to go to work. I didn’t want them to lose their jobs I’d reason in my head.

But what if they lost their job? They’d have to go find another one or have no spending money. Period, end of story. At age 18, or after they’ve graduated from high school I insist that my children start paying their bills. I don’t charge room and board if they choose to live at home when they’re grown but I’m not giving out gas money or car payments.

I’ve had to take a very hard line with some of my kids. I can’t enable them.

"Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling, spending, eating disorders, sexual or relationship addictions, inability to hold a job, etc."

"A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction."

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We’ve, so far, not had anyone mixed up in drugs but one son returned from Iraq with a drinking problem. He was 26 and living with me when he was arrested for drunk driving. I made him leave; you can’t live with me and be a drunk. He received another DUI within months.

My plan seems to not be working but I know that it could take some time. He needs to figure out how to pay his fines, tend to his probation and stop drinking.

If I rescued him, he’d never do so, he’d continue drinking. As it is, he may continue anyway but I will in no way ever enable him to be an alcoholic.

It's a hard line to hold as a mother, but I feel it is the only stance I can logically take.

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5 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: bumblebeeskies [Member]

I can understand not wanting to live with children who are drinking or using drugs . However, I would think that someone coming home from Iraq w/ a drinking problem, is different than someone drinking to just to have fun. These men and women witnessed horrible things while there and he may have used it to self-medicate. I'm not saying it's right. I myself wouldn't know what to do about it. It's sickening what they had to see.

Permalink 02/25/08 @ 18:35

Comment from: John [Member]

Bum, the reason for drinking really doesn't matter. Any AA member will tell you they drank because they needed to, not because something or someone made them. It is an addiction.

Enabling prevents any chance of recovery. There are two choices, enable and convince yourself you are a wonderful martyr, or don't and give them a chance. John

Permalink 02/25/08 @ 22:37

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

Bumble might have a point. Perhaps set a time frame for recovery, and jot down some action steps. Like probation fulfillment, job acquisition and retention, counseling, etc.

In the case of a person self-medicating, it can be viewed more as a physical injury needing attention. Again, that does not make the alcoholism right. It's possible tho, with support and structure, a more expeditious recovery might be had.

It most of all depends on the goals and commitments of the individual involved, as well as their previous history, habits and track record. What do they say they want, and what action steps are they willing/able to take to get there?

for sure, if anyone can figure it out, that person would be Cindy! Agreed with both John and Cindy about not enabling. It's a tricky balance, at best. It does pierce a parents' heart to see any of our kids hurting.

Permalink 02/26/08 @ 08:41

Comment from: bumblebeeskies [Member]

John,

Do you really have no clue as to the condition that many of these soldiers return home in? They've shot people, had their bunkmates die right before their eyes, etc. etc. Veterans make for a huge population of the homeless in America. It's not like these kids could just go see a psychiatrist while over there. We can't know what goes on in their minds. We have never lived it, so we surely shouldn't judge. I don't believe that providing a home to a sick person is enabling them. However, I'm also not saying to let them live for free, sitting on their butts and taking from anyone. This is definately a hard situation and one I'd never want to have to deal with.

Permalink 02/26/08 @ 14:33

Comment from: John [Member]

Bum, I do understand the awful stuff these soldiers have seen an lived through. The problem is that addiction is addiction. If you enable it, the victim cannot reach bottom. Yes, they have every reason to have exteme reactions. Unfortunately, enabling them does the same harm as enabling any one with an addiction. It isn't being cruel and heartless, it is doing what feels terrible for us so that they can have a chance. It is never a judgement, addiction is a disease, not a volitional set of bad social decisions. That particular disease is frequently fatal, the body only handles just so much before something starts to fail. John

Permalink 02/26/08 @ 17:11

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