After I wrote the post regarding destruction of beds and bedding, I received quite a few interesting comments and I’ve really been thinking about the sensory affect on children. I need to research it further but in the meantime one of my grown daughters, adopted at age 11 with her two younger brothers, now 22 and 24, told me her version or explanation.

“Maybe part of the problem is that the kids have a hard time with whole, intact things (i.e. nice jewelry, matching bedspreads) and pick them apart much like their lives have been picked apart. I don't think it's always a conscious thing, I think maybe they are trying to match their surroundings to how they view their life. Maybe they cannot comprehend the idea that some things can be whole, when everything in their life has been destroyed. Kind of like when someone divorces it's very hard for them to accept that any marriage they see around them is a happy one (not sure if the analogy works, but it's the best I could come up with). If everything around you is destroyed, then you may feel better about your circumstance. If everything around you (material things included) is perfect and intact, then WHY was it only your life that was destroyed?"

She’s now 27 and a married mother of two young children, she’s earned a Master’s Degree in Social Work and we often discuss the variables and the whys in the adoption world.

I considered adopting a sibling group of seven children from a disruption a long time ago. Their worker told me that they’d been adopted from Texas, way up into the northeast, and returned almost immediately as their new parents reported the children had absolutely destroyed a brand new living room set worth thousands of dollars.

It’s been so long ago now, I can’t remember why I didn’t proceed on that group, either they were sent to long term foster care or I was staffed for another group but I’ve often thought about them and that living room set.

As my daughter explained above, the picking apart of things, I too have observed this here in our home, within our family for many, many years. It used to make me delirious with shock and anger, but I’ve long since accepted it as part of the process. I still correct and re-direct my children’s behavior, but my former fury never helped at all.

If anything it fed into their negative feelings of low self worth. I’ve learned, slowly, very slowly, over many, many years that this is just “stuff” and that my children are eternal blessings. We don’t buy new furniture and I’ve worked on teaching proper behavior and decent manners, realizing that in the long run, they’ll finally understand to respect property after they learn to feel better about themselves and their place in this world.