e-mail
Originally I was going to talk about organizing your home for older child adoption. I will hopefully get to that topic soon. After a particularly hard week, though, I have to get something off my chest.
When adopting older kids you have to have the ability to not take anything your child says that may hurt you to heart. The fact is that your child is trying to see how far she can push you. She wants to know what is going to make this person leave me.
I can see the challenge in Mita’s eyes when she says things like, “I wish I could live with my friend’s parents, they are fun.” This may seem like a normal thing for a kid to wish for, but when she says it in a group of adults it is like she is daring me to get mad at her in front of all these people, she wants to hurt me so she feels in control. That is not an easy thing for a parent to take, and frankly these things can hurt, but I have to push the hurt away and try to see what she is doing and why she is doing it.
She is reeling over her father’s relinquishment of her and her sister. I know that her love of him is fierce and so is her anger. I hope that someday she will understand the situation he was in when he made the choice to do what he felt best. When I talk of him, I use the utmost respect. I do respect his choice, I’m grateful that I have never been in such a horrible situation. In her eyes though, she saw a loving dad say goodbye. She couldn’t see his illness, she didn’t understand what being jobless means to a single father. All she saw was a goodbye. We tell her that she did nothing wrong, that he loves her very much. I know she still thinks she did something to make him leave, she must think we will leave her someday as well. The language barrier complicates this even more for us, but we are working on it.
These are the things I think about when I hear things like, “I wish she were dead.” The she being me. Believe me when I say thick skin is a must!
Hopefully, I have not scared the desire to adopt out of you! These situations are real and have to be considered. Do not expect a grateful child. I would honestly be more concerned with a child that tip toes around and tries not to make waves. Those are signs of a honeymoon phase or a child not attaching well.
I had a friend who had a very rough childhood tell me once that she pushes the people she knows won’t leave her. So I will take the pushing as well as the hugs, kisses, slobber and laughs. Life and love are messy, complicated things aren’t they?
I must note that we have a counseling appointment set up next week with an adoption specialist. I want to start grief counseling with them and family counseling with all of us. The more help the better.
If you have older kids at home, what are some of the things they have said to you that made your blood boil? How did you handle them?
In our state, three potential families are picked for the adoption process, and then a committee meets to decide which family is best. My twelve year old daughter’s case worker told her about each of the three families in detail, including what state each lived in. Now, even 9 months later, she will go into her fantasy world and wonder out loud what it would have been like to live with the family in New Jersey, or whatever. Believe me, we were pretty annoyed at the case worker.