e-mail
I have written a lot about preparing your immediate family and your home for the adoption of an older child. This of course should be the priority in your preparations, but it is also important to prepare your extended family: Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, close friends. Even if your adoption news has been celebrated and welcome in your extended family, there are still some basic knowledge tidbits that should be discussed BEFORE your child or children come home.
There are several ways to go about this education process. You can decide what works best with your family. If you are a touchy/feeling family who gathers frequently a small get together may suffice. A more standoffish or subdued family may need more one on one converstaion. A large family or a family separated by a large distance may need a letter sent out to everyone.
Once you have decided how to approach your family you need to decide what to share with them, and what facts are most important to impart. You have to remember that while you have researched thoroughly (you better have!) about older child adoption, your loved ones probably don’t have a wide knowledge base and there is a good chance that they may have some bad information. We should be careful not to overwhelm them with facts, figures and stories!
A few of the important things to share:
1) Stress that the children should not be overwhelmed with gifts, activities and attention from extended family members. If your family wants to throw you a “shower” I would have it before your child comes home and ask for gift certificates to the grocery and clothing stores or basic furniture for the child’s room. Keep their room and toys to a very minimum at first.
2) Talk about the importance of the child bonding and attachement and explain why they cannot be to “huggy” or “touchy feely” with the child and that even basic actions such as tying shoes or getting a drink of water should come from mom or dad.
3) Remember to prepare them for the reality of what the kids have gone through and are going through. They need to be checked on the “He must be so grateful.” “How lucky she is!” attitudes. This is something that many people have a hard time realizing, yet it is really the most important thing to know with older child adoptions.
While talking with family members it is a good time to pick up on any prejudices or problems your family member may have, especially if you are adopting transracially. If you have an inkling that race may be a problem now is a good time to prepare your family for a possible ultimatum (example: If you continue to say bigoted words about my child’s race, you will not be welcomed in my home.)
Good luck, and please share what has worked with you and your family. Personally, we told our family members in small groups and the education process is still going on a year and a half after the kids have been home.
