Primal Wound Book Tour: My View Of The Book

I am an adoptive mom. I should say that I am a “new” adoptive mom as my two daughters  (then aged six and nine)were adopted a little over eighteen months ago.   We researched adoption seriously a year before starting the process and the paper chase/wait to bring them home  was about a year long .  I must state that all of the above made me think I was ready to be an adoptive mom.  Hubby and I had two biological daughters and had been parents for over eight years already.  With all of this study and preparation, I had never heard of The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.  Maybe I had seen it before, but for some reason it didn’t catch my eye as one I needed to read.

When I was encouraged to do this Primal Wound Book Tour, I was all ready to jump in. I bought the book and starting reading immediately.  I had no idea what I was in for.

Simply put:  I’m glad I read this book.  I read it just the right time.  Six months ago, I wouldn’t have appreciated the brutal honesty it gives.   My hubby thinks it should be required reading for all adoptive parents as well (he is 3/4 through the book right now.)  All that said, The Primal Wound is not an easy read by any means.  I think it could break a potential adoptive parents resolve to adopt, and it could break the hearts of first moms everywhere.  Ad0ptees could (and have) felt like the book puts them in a complicated little box that every adoptee goes into.

The idea of The Primal Wound is that every infant who is separated from his/her birth-mother is wounded and will be effected for life in one way or another.  This separation could be caused by adoption, illness, war etc.  Verrier speaks in direct words and doesn’t give a lot of wiggle room for her concrete statements, but I can see why she does this.  In our society we tend to over-think things, and are afraid of offending people or making a statement that may not be popular to some (or most).

I do believe in this Primal Wound Theory.  There are many reasons why I believe in it and I feel I need to let you know those reasons, then answer the questions for the book tour.

As a registered nurse I worked for several years on an OB floor on labor and delivery, post par-tum  and in the lactation program.  As you may have guessed, I am a touchy-feeling kinda person to begin with and working as a lactation consultant really gave me insight to the skin on skin and bonding parts of early motherhood/infant-hood.  A few things I noticed with my job:

1)  Newborns know their mom.  Right away.  Hands down. No arguments could convince me otherwise.

2) Newborns want to be with MOM.  They will sleep while grandma or auntie holds them, but with mom they can sleep, eat and awaken to communicate with her.  Have you ever noticed that babies sleep forever if someone besides mom hold them?  I know babies sleep a lot but it is also a defense from stress.  Pick them up, strip them down and put them skin on skin with mom with a blanket over their backs.  Watch them awaken and throw their heads back to see mom.  What them root and look for food. You will see BLISS, not defense from stress.

3)  Babies stop crying with mom.  Working night shift we would have babies sent to the nursery by parents who believed that they needed to rest and could only rest when the baby was out of the room.  Babies who spent the night in the nursery would do two things.  Sleep all night and have to be awakened to feed or cry all night with no consolation.  When I would take the crying babies back to mom they stopped crying!  The didn’t necessarily need fed or changed they needed mom.  When checking back later both mom and baby would be sleeping well if mom kept the baby in her room.

4)  Newborns are not blank slates waiting to grow up.  They are already their own little person already.  They have a personality, have likes and dislikes and their general attitudes are  set!

All of the statements above lead me to believe that taking a newborn away from his/her mother at birth can be traumatic for both of them. This doesn’t mean that the baby will automatically be sentenced to a life of pain, separation anxiety or low self-esteem but I think we are fooling ourselves if we believe there are no consequences.

As a biological mother of two children I know the bond and attachment of pregnancy, birth and the neonatal period.   I knew my children before I ever saw them. I knew Meg liked to kick and Elle was more a free spirit.  Giving birth and holding them for the first time was like meeting a friend I’d known forever. I’m not naive and think that all women feel this way, but I do know that if the mother-newborn couplet are treated as one, the mom and baby do get to bonding and attaching sooner.  As a mother of a newborn I could predict when they would awaken, know when they were hungry, know when they were cold. I knew all of this because my body was one with them for quite a while.  If given time to nurture  mothers and infants know each-other so well bowel movements even are similar betweem mother and child.

I say this not to make adoptive moms to feel less, but to acknowledge that there is a difference and that difference is known by the child immediately.  If we let them grieve as Verrier suggests, we are validating them and what they are going through.

Verrier also makes some strong statements towards working mothers or mother who use full time daycare.  I do back her up on this although I hate to do so in fear of hurting others.  As an OB nurse I encouraged all mothers to use as much leave time as they could. I also encouraged creative scheduling and thinking outside the box for employment.  I was blessed to have the choice with Meg and worked two days a week after she turned one.  With Elle I had to go to work (only two days a week again) in six weeks due to the fact that at the time I held the health insurance in the family.  I worked night shift Friday and Sunday nights.  When I was not with Elle her dad was caring for her. I would sleep Friday afternoons and Monday mornings while my mom or mother in law watched Elle and brought her to me to eat. While this schedule made me miss the weekend time with my hubby it allowed us to meet the needs of our newborn and our family.  When we brought Mita and Eny home I worked every weekend for about three months so that a parent was with them at all times.  I know that not everyone has these choices, but at the same time  I see so many mothers  who are not encouraged to try to be with their newborns/newly adopted children, to try and find a routine that works better than the 9-5 Monday through Friday one that is traditional at this time.

I chose the following three questions to answer for The Primal Wound Book Tour:

What signs did you see in your child or yourself, that support the concept of a primal wound derived from separation of mother and child in the process of adoption?

When my kids are grieving, usually after an outburst or meltdown their cries can only be described as primal.  The wailing comes from deep within and is the same wailing you hear in emergency situations, and during the death of a loved one.  My girls scream for their mother who has been dead for four years, they often ask me when they will see her again or if she will come back.  They know that she is gone, yet deep down they just want their mommy.  My hugs and kisses are comforting to a point, but not what they need, what they crave.

The author asserts that adoptive families are different than biological families in part due to the primal wound.  Given this, is it possible to go beyond healing the primal wound and embrace or celebrate the unique dynamic that occurs in families created through adoption?  In other words, can we embrace and celebrate the differences in families created through adoption?

I think it is very important to acknowledge the differences and even celebrate them. We do our best to bring Ethiopian tradition and culture into our home and the kid’s schools. I have learned though, that sometimes the kids don’t want to be different, so it is important to let the kids decide how much celebration of the differences in our family.  I have also learned that even though we keep Ethiopia in our lives (culture camp, foods, decorations, music, etc.) the primal wound can not be healed through the recognition of our differences.   It is a long, grieving process and while I was naive enough in the beginning to think we could help them go through this process in a few months to a year. I now realize it is a much longer process that I as a mom cannot make them go through, but can guide and encourage them.

How can “life-triggers” help and hinder an adoptee’s healing journey and what are some suggestions to help them keep walking forward to wholeness?

When I think of life-triggers, I think of birthdays, holidays and November.  November is the month when their dad relinquished them.  These times are rough for all of us and I see them as a two steps forward, one step back type of journey.  We cannot expect to much from our kids on these days, we can only show our love an patience and hope that in time their journey will bring healing.  Celebrating mother’s day and including their Ethiopian mom is painful for them, but acknowledges her importance in our lives.  Sending their dad a Father’s Day card lets them keep the lines of communication open between them and allows them to bring out feelings that need expressed.

The Primal Wound has brought out  a lot of questions, advice and provocative thoughts and I am glad to be a part of the book tour!

  To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

Photo Credit

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.