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I’m hearing from many adoptive mothers who are saying the same thing. This era of blogging is allowing many of us to realize we are in similar circumstances, fighting the same battles, and facing equal challenges.
One of the most surprising ones I’ve faced have involved kids, adopted as older children, who are totally unable to leave the nest at age 18. Growing up I’d hear many of my own parent’s friends counting the days until their rebellious kids turned 18 and then the parents would theoretically be free from strife.
I’ve found this to not be a possibility for us.
A dear friend of mine, the mom of twelve challenging children and my colleague at Adopt America Network, is now at her wit’s end with one son of hers. You can read of her travails here.
Plenty of readers are urging her to kick him out, I think she should do so also but I’m equally aware that there are mitigating factors, that this isn’t an easy or even humane thing to do. They live in the frigid north, should she literally lock him out of their house? He’s stolen from them constantly and is escalating his very negative behaviors; he has criminal charges against him but rarely serves any time as the judicial system has its own problems.
It’s easier said than done.
My grown birth daughter told me this morning, “It’d be easier to kick out a birth child than an adopted child. You wouldn’t be criticized as much.”
She’s right.
Hopefully though with a birth child, you wouldn’t have drunk your way through pregnancy and knowingly given your child FASD.
How can we then penalize a child with FAS who truly doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions? But how can we continue to provide a roof over someone’s head that is making the entire family unsafe? What message is being sent to their younger children? Are they enabling or forgiving?
I don’t have any answers. There are no easy answers.
I had to put my middle son (now 22) on the street, doing crack, stealing from us, out of control. We live in SoCal, so wx isn’t an issue. It was the worst experience I have been through. Every night I was sure the Sheriff would be at the door asking me to come identify his body. The only good news was his tattoo that has our last name, they would know whose body they had. He survived, lots of arrests and some injuries.
I still deal with his issues today, but on a once a day basis. Self sufficiency is still a long ways away. It was the right thing to do, and my condolences to any other family that has to do it. John
I thought about this post when I was reading the story about the 19 year old in Omaha who shot the people in the mall. He’d been kicked out of his home the year before and was living with another family.
They did not give any details on why he was asked to leave his parents home.
I just posted my thoughts about that and I was thinking about John and some of the stuff his sons have put him through.
John – it was your computer cabling idea that has made me feel safer at home with my own laptop. That had just never occured to me but it should have.
I couldn’t parent without the support of other bloggers.
Unlike my friends who talk so confidently of sending their kids off to college, I can’t even see that right now for my son. I’m hoping he will be able to work and won’t be arrested the first time he gets [without my approval!!] a credit card or checking account.
It seems everything I do to try to teach him to see and accept that there are consequences for his actions are undermined by the schools. The always extend the deadline, reduce the punishment, give him his own rule changes. It’s scary knowing that at 17 he can join the military and at 18 he can run wild with credit.
Don’t even bring up girls…..