cindy, i have no words of wisdom or suggestions, just writing to say my heart goes out to you for what you are going through.

Same here!

Everything you just said is right on the money!!! You bear the responsibility not only for yourself, Jose and the rest of the family - but for the inconvenience you are causing the mental health "professionals" you're trying to procure for him. If only you had done x y and z they wouldn't have such an angry young boy on their hands. If only YOU had left him in TX (alone, without his sibs) you wouldn't be in the hot seat right now. Why in the sam hill would you have to be investigated for abuse when he is the one with documented psychiatric illness? What is wrong with this world??? If you are having this much trouble, how can there be hope for any of the rest of us? You need to keep taking care of everyone Cindy, including yourself, there's no one else out there willing to do it for you. My prayers are with you and your whole family.

and of course, there's always the famous back up of "why didn't you ask for help earlier?"

maybe the professionals have laminated response cards for dealing with parents???

Hang in there Cindy.
Thoughts coming your way!

Cindy, I wish that I had the magic answer for both you and your family to get you through these tough times. I know that you love your children with all of your heart, and that any action that you take is motivated purely by that love. The children too, in time, will come to see the truth as well.

I wish I could make the hurting stop for all of you!

Cindy...
I have no words for you ... except I am thinking of you.

Thanks for everyone's responses. I have been asking for help for this son for years, but not for out-of-home placements, that should be my last resort. He's been in counseling and has improved until adolescence hit, plus he revealed some secrets he'd kept that were very painfil to him. The fallout has been tremendous.

Fight the same battles here with my Sammy, so I totally get it!!

Getting the right help IS like walking through fire---- on a good day.

I'm sorry for you Cindy and wish you well.

And I understand your need to vent. But what is the alternative? If parents never abused their children, then perhaps when out of control children made accusations, society would be comfortable to disregard them. But sadly some parents do abuse their children. If society does not investigate charges, what should it do?

justmemom - you just answered your own question - "when out of control children made accusations...." The fact that these children are out of control says it all. Work on getting the child healthy first, in control and then deal with the "allegations", I guarantee, there will be alot of kids recanting once they're thinking clearly. No one expects children to think logically, the way adults are supposed to. I'm sure Cindy's son is very, very angry that he's ended up where he is and until he takes responsibility for his behavior, which includes accepting and benefiting from the help currently being offered, why in the world would someone jump on an investigation of the very person who's trying to move heaven and earth to help him? Why not spend those resources helping him?

By the way, "society" is not investigating these charges. If you took a poll of society (i.e. parents of troubled children as well as those perfect two-income parents with two children) you'd find that we would rather see social services use a little more discretion in these cases than to put already traumatized children through the wringer once again because their very disturbed brother is crying wolf.

If you ask me (which no one did) there is alot more truth in the "venting" you think she's doing than you're comfortable with.

I just love how people on these blogs decide what I'm comfortable with or who I am. Honey, we're strangers.

But lmg who decides which children are "out of control" and how do they do that? These agencies are acting on behalf of society. Society is made up of voters in a democratic society. If the voters really wanted to see social services use a little more discretion in these cases, they would.

I just saw big headlines on the internet because two parents were arrested when police found a small, filthy room in their basement where they locked their children up. Sounds like it's not all the time. At the time, a young teenage boy was there but a daughter in the home said she'd spent time there as well. Child abuse! Outrage! The next day the kid that was locked up, arrested for attempted auto theft and other charges. His father says he locked him up in the basement to keep him out of trouble. What a mess.

"People on these blogs" are trying their very best to deal with these kids on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes it's hour by hour or minute by minute. Yes, we're all strangers, and maybe the things that keep coming through your posts are being misunderstood - but it sounds like this must not be the first time you've been misunderstood. My point was simply that if the time and resources were spent trying to help a child whose parents were completely honest in asking for help because they were either afraid their child was suicidal/homicidal "society" would be immeasurably helped. When parents ask for help it's because they really need it, not because the novelty of parenting has worn off and they need a time-out by putting their child in a psych ward. So to go thru that AND then have to deal with a PS investigation is just a little more than a normal person should have to endure. After all, their entire world has revolved around this child and their needs. Some of these kids can set the tone for the whole household. When the child is upset, they make sure everyone in the house knows and pays.

I have no idea what goes through people's minds who would lock their children in a filthy room in the basement. I have known very good people who have become desperate when they've realized that they are going to be ultimately responsible for a raging, out-of-control child who can overpower them and the rest of their family and quite possibly kill someone. They, after exhausting every effort, may make a poor judgement call. You can believe that they will pay for a moment of poor judgement for a very long time. Isn't it better to get help BEFORE you are so stressed out that you cannot think clearly? Now, who is going to volunteer to do that if there's a possibility that it's going to come back to bite you in the butt?

As far as "who" decides which children are out of control - I think that is a no-brainer. If a child has been admitted to a psychiatric facility, has a long history of psychiatric illness, documented psych evals./testing and is seeing a therapist on a regular basis that'd be a good indicator. Also, if a child is continuously in trouble with the law, school or at home due to disrespect issues, stealing, lying, truancy, etc. that is also a child who is out of control. Whether they are out of control at home or school is of no consequence, they need to be stable before anyone should jump on the "abuse" bandwagon. I don't know how it is in your town, but Protective Services reign supreme here. We don't vote these people in, if we complain about abusive and/or intimidating treatment by the workers to their supervisors, they just laugh amongst themselves. If we go to the state level we're told they'll "look into it" which is code for, "We'll tell the workers involved that you've complained - good luck with that!". Things obviously don't work the way they're supposed to. I don't have to be burned to appreciate the fact that these things happen every day. No child should be abused, but this isn't what this is about. One child cries abuse, and Cindy's 20 others are traumatized even further because of an investigation - it's not right.