Brothers since they were 2 and 4, now they are 11 and 13, closer than ever. Both are even-tempered, easy going, fun loving guys who’ve been great sons and good role models here within our family.

The one on the left joined our family eight or so years ago along with his very troubled siblings. Maybe he intuitively sensed their issues, but he immediately bonded with the one on the right who is a grandson that I’ve adopted and am raising. They share clothes, a room, and all their thoughts with each other.

They’d had one of their rare squabbles the other day, so unusual for the two of them that the rest of the family was shocked as neither boy is known for getting mad over much. It was a dumb argument over Nintendo.

With some of my other sons, a simmering argument could have come to blows, but never with these two, it’s just not in their nature. They simply went about their business, playing with everyone else.

One had followed me out to the big back garden in the cool of the evening and was watering the habanera pepper plants when the other came out. “Still mad?” he asked.

“Nah, gimme a hug,” he suggested as the hapless one walked into his snare and got squirted with the hose. And then they were laughing, friends once again, best buddies for life.

I have other children with intermittent explosive disorder, a birth brother of one of these two darlings, whose explosive temper has resulted in much damage to our home and jail time for him. He doesn’t live here anymore, now almost 19, my sense of relief at not having to physically manage the negative behaviors of a 220 pound raging man, has greatly improved my own disposition.

How can an adoptive parent be expected to do that? What is the alternative? I’d suggest residential therapeutic intervention whenever possible for a family’s physical safety. I have two children who’ve required this for their own safety and the well-being of others and both of these children proved their need for it as they’ve maintained a history of attacking staff at their respective facilities. The staff is trained to deal with these situations, to provide 24-7 psychiatric help, something a family is ill-equipped to impart to a raging, violent, severely troubled kid.

I’ve had several other children, over the years, have to attend residential programs.

I’ve struggled with my own feelings as a mom failure when I could not reasonably ‘cure’ my children with love, logic, stability and security. I’m blessed to have resources, a social worker and therapists who back me up and help me make these decisions. I’m too emotionally involved at times to be clear about what is best for the child.

Is it fair to the child if I insist on keeping them in our home where it is apparent that they need more than my own stubborn desire to help them? Sometimes that is obviously not enough. I need to allow the professionals to take over while I remain the committed mother who attends family therapy, meetings and strategic planning sessions while providing home visits and emotional support.

This is not what I’d envisioned in adoptions but it is our reality.