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I’m facing yet another crisis here at home. A pretty child who joined us at age 5 with little discernible diagnosis has deteriorated ever since. Described back then as a behavior problem, this before some of the other disruptive, oppositional defiant disorder or conduct adjustment behavior diagnoses were widely used, she immediately went to time-out when she moved into my home, 23 times before bedtime for huge infractions on the first day. Nothing got better.
Later, when I learned of her sexually abused past, we began to address some issues, but I was in no way prepared for the next dozen years that ensued.
She’s spent the last four years in a psychiatric hospital setting where I’ve attended therapy sessions monthly and watched with dismay as she has struggled. I have no answers here, no solutions, only my own frustration which pales greatly against her personal levels of distress.
Experts don’t know what to do, nor do I. Our fears for her future are massive and I’m an optimist, so where’s my optimism? It appears absolutely non-existent at the moment. I can’t make her make good choices, I can’t make her do that which she is not capable of, so what does a mom do in a case like this?
I don’t know.
Sometimes there may be no answers.
That frustrates me. How can there not be a solution? I won’t give up, I’ll keep seeking out possibilities. I have one more at the moment, a place for girls like her who turn 18 with now very serious diagnoses and labels. She’s resisting this place, wants to do what she wants to do, but I want her to be safe, to be cared for and to have a roof over her head.
I may not get my way. She may choose to run, and do what she wants to do, which concerns me greatly. She cannot live with us, nor does she want to, what with all my rules about personal safety and decent behavior.
If I had answers I’d share them here, but as it is I can only voice my despair over solutions that don’t exist. I don’t even have an idea to suggest. Nothing, zero; I’m stumped and frustrated.
I don’t have the years of experience you do with older children adoptions, but I do have 3 children that I am extremely concerned about. We haven’t had hospitalizations (yet), mainly because I don’t think people believe things are really as bad as they are.
We got these children as infants (NB, 10 mo., 26 mo. – bio siblings) so we thought – no problems, WRONG. FAS, RAD, ADHD, we can’t understand how things have gone so wrong when we have been absolutely devoted to these kids and have worn ourselves out trying new therapies. We have spent thousands of dollars out of pocket and as far as that goes, we just can’t do it anymore. I agree with you about the Medicaid for adopted children. We didn’t understand at the time of the adoption how valuable that was going to be. Our youngest was adopted w/o M’caid and although he’s just perfect now, I am very vigilant about watching him for any signs of ANYTHING unusual (he’s 3 1/2 now; 8 mo. when we got him). Every new theory is checked out by us and all of those “just to be sure” visits have added up to tens of thousands of dollars and unfortunately, the downhill spiral continues.
Do you ever throw in the towel and concentrate on your other children? I have kids who don’t seem to want to change at all. They seem very content with the choices they make and I just can’t believe that’s the case. I’m so afraid I’ll lose my healthy kids because they can’t stand the behavior of the younger ones and I’ll be left with what? Three kids who don’t care about anyone or even themselves and 7 kids who feel neglected because the needs of the most demanding kids had to be addressed first? I sure didn’t intend for this to happen, but now what?
I am echoing the questions of Img, because I am wondering the same things. Our sib group of four included three full siblings, plus one younger half sibling. We were told they were very bonded. This is true to varying degrees about the older three, but the younger half sibling is not bonded at all. In fact, when she came to us, she had never lived with her two oldest sibs and only recently had lived with the other in foster care. (An experiment which had NOT gone well, I might mention!) She totally failed to understand their relationship to one another. Your description of dealing with your one daughter is very familiar to what we see with this one young child. And she is absolutely trashing her older three sibling’s efforts at becoming part of the family. I have never seen such malice in a child so small. I am greatly concerned about the effect this will have on their chances of success. I am not even mentioning how this affects the three bio children. They are perpetually pushed to the back burner because they are not constantly in crisis. The dynamics in our family have changed so much that I would hardly know us anymore. Everyone is focused on self protection, and containment of the damage being wrought by one child. I feel like we are on a raft headed for a waterfall, and we are moving faster every day. We are trying every paddle that gets tossed to us, but still I feel pretty certain we will find ourselves going over it. This wasn’t my vision for family “togetherness”.
Oh man, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to your issues. We have adopted a teenager who has been on a self destructive course and wants to take me with her. It does cause such crisis on a daily basis. You said it well when you said you were heading for a waterfall and ready to go over. I often say that our house is called 24 hour mission control. I’m glad you found a place to vent and can share your feelings. It does not fix anything but it gives a sense of not being alone.
Finally a place to vent where someone else knows what it is like.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years he has 4 adopted children I have 3 natural born children. All of our children has had a parent die. We currently have my son 15 and his severly disturbed son 14 who is killing me. He has been in hospital short term twice in the last month. I am terminal as was his own adoptive Mother and he turned off my Oxygen Concentrator in the middle of the night, thank God for alarms, he has set his hair on fire, been on the roof out his window, hurts the animals, it just goes on and on. He does have adoption medical subsidy however because he was a placement adoption from an agency their was no regular subsidy and medical did not add Mental Illness as he has mild CP and all the other disorders. He has been with us for over a year and a half and is getting worse he has been in mental health care systems since age 5 he knows the drill. He was to into long term care placement until we found out the adoption medical sub. would not pay as it was not a condition prior to finalization of the adoption. His medicaid was cut off because my husband pension and my disability is to much like we make a lot here.
I have called the state senate office to complain and they have the mental health coodinator call and try to work on things to move forward like she knows how. To top it all off CMH services is now billing us for home visits because they now include SSD and RSDI as income. This child is either going to end up killing me literally or by a heart attack. I have 2-5 years left if I am lucky we have to supervise him 24/7 were are both totally drained, depressed, and have no energy at all. My son is going to visit next month from AZ and has 3 small children I have not seen my newest Grandson and have not seen my son in over a year and a half. I am so looking forward to there visit however I am so afraid my step-son will steal half there stuff as well as act out badly. There are not enough locks, alarms, nor vices to keep this child out of trouble. If anyone has any suggestion it would be most appreciated. We are at our witts end. Being terminally ill and not supposed to have stress just does not happen here. No one is helping out at all I have called every agency there is I have screamed, cried, and tried all that I know. HELP! please any suggestions.
cedowosso
Wow, I can feel your pain right threw this computer. I am so new at this and really do not have much to offer as far as advice. When we needed help I stumbled across The Federation of Families. They helped us find Residential Treatment for our daughter, who also wants me dead. Now, granted, she does have medicade and they are paying for her to be there. I was just thinking that they may have some options for you and your husband. There has got to be an answer for you somewhere and I am hoping maybe some of the more expierenced bloggers can respond to your need. You will be in my prayers.
Just another piece of advice as far as these blogs go. This particular one is older. Not to many of us go back to look at the old ones. Please try to go onto some recent ones and see if Cindy or Nancy can offer some thoughts on where you can get some help for your son and yourself. Keep trying, don’t give up and if I think of anything else I will get to you ASAP.
Steph