“You realize that a lot of information was kept from you, and psych evals were whitewashed, and the children are far and away more damaged than anyone even hinted at?”
If I had a dollar for each time I’ve been asked that question, my mortgage would be paid off.
What do you do when that happens? I received that in a comment the other day, and I did not want to flippantly reply.
I feel your pain. I really do, I’ve been there, done that and am still doing so in several cases. I’m as frustrated as anyone. I did not set out to adopt children who are severely disturbed; I merely wanted to nurture parentless children. When I was initially handed the checklist of issues that I felt I would be capable of handling within my home, I was shocked.
Sexual acting out behaviors, fire-setting, Tube feedings, medically challenged children…the list went on and on and I looked up issues I didn’t understand, I spoke to Special Education teachers, my adoption caseworker and other parents, feeling like I had, at least, a small grasp on the challenges.
But until one is neck deep in the battle, facing the issues head-on and desperately seeking resources, I’d hazard a guess that one is clueless as to one’s own abilities to rise to the challenges. I’ve failed miserably at times. Failed to prevent my children from breaking the law, or getting kicked out of school; I’ve failed at getting them available resources that may or may not exist…but is that a failure on my part? Is it a lapse in parenting or the kid’s inabilities to accept the help that’s been given to them?
I’ll step out on a limb and suggest that we naïve parents are woefully unprepared for what’s ahead of us when we adopt older children. There’s no way for anyone to know how seriously damaged the children have been. Caseworkers who make reports once a month don’t know, sometimes psych evals can’t paint a complete picture when the children don’t properly participate in the proceedings involved and even the foster parents, who work on caring for the children don’t have the extra edge of attachment parenting, since that isn’t their job, that we later face as adoptive parents and then whoo buddy do the issues fly in our faces.
So then what to do?
I only know, in our case, what I’d do. What I’ve done for years and that is to keep seeking treatments, resources and programs. If Medicaid is ever made unavailable to children adopted from the foster care system, then we’re sunk. But for now, it has been our biggest ally.
I know that I haven’t answered the original question. I don’t have an answer, and I’ll share in the next post, another non-answer. This is an ongoing struggle.
Cindie, isn’t the answer that you keep on truckin? The only alternative is to quit, I think most of us would do anything to avoid quitting.
My 22 year old son’s worker withheld a lot of critical information. His response when pressed was, ‘if I told you that, you wouldn’t have taken the child’. A number of people said sue to agency, probably would have worked. I was up to my eyeballs in massive kid problems, there was no spare time or energy. Lawsuits take both. It was an easy decision, I adopted my son, not some attorney. It would have been wise to return my son. I am thankful I was not wise. John
John, I am a fairly new adoptive Mom. My husband and I have adopted a teenager. Had we known all the information we now know we would have never persued our daughter. The agency withheld plenty of information on her and her past. It was not until post adoption did her true mental problems show. Her diagnosis consists of bipolar, ptsd, reactive attachment disorder, etc. She has threatened to kill me and has thought of several ways to do it. My husband and I are lost. We are exhausted, lost, frustrated and out of options. She is currently in a psyc. residential facility and we are very scared for her to come home. We have never been under so much stress. The system has failed this poor child. She should have been helped many years prior to adoption. It is a crying shame. I give you all the credit in the world for not quitting. God bless you and your family. I wish I had your strength. Stephanie
Steph, wow does that sound familiar, even the disorders not disclosed. My son was violent when I got him, thank goodness he was only 9 when he came home.
Take heart, you have already got the biggest possible solution in place, having the child in residential treatment. There are simply some problems that can’t be addressed at home, it takes intense structure and a staff of hundreds. RTCs can achieve large changes, but it isn’t quick. I’m sure they have already told you that the average stay is about 14 months.
My son has been in five RTCs, some were short placements that were in an RTC that just wasn’t able to handle problems that intense, and that physical. The first placement was just before 13, and lasted for one year. That took care of the physical part, but nothing else. At 16 he went into the second placement that lasted two years.
It did quite a lot, and he graduated from HS there. He is light years better than before these placements. The down side is that he will never be able to live without assistance, and many parts of normal living simply can’t be there for him. It is still draining to deal with him, but doable. That is much different than before the RTCs.
Try to keep the faith, you won’t know what changes can happen until she is ready for discharge, you always have a right to limit or specify how visits will happen.
All of us who have lived with kids like this know how overwhelming it is, the stress, the uncertianty, and the depression. I ‘made it’ with my son, I know that it is a case of ‘There, but for the grace of God, go I’. You and your husband will have to decide what is best for you and your family. God speed, remember, you have a right to have a life for yourself. John
John, were you raising other children in the home when you had your son there? If so, what was the impact on them? Same question to Cindy. Obviously you had other children in the home, but how did this one RAD daughter fit into her particular bio sib group, or even into the family as a whole? How have you handled one child victimizing or dragging down other emotionally fragile children? I feel myself being stretched the thinnest in that I am always trying to protect the other children.
Scrapsbynobody: My grandson was with me one or two nights a week in the worst period, the first three years. Sometimes my son did pick on him, not often, my older son would have settled up physically with Steven if he had hurt my grandson, that was an effective deterent. My grandson was there for a number of restraints, he would usually go play computer games and ignore it. Sometimes he would antagonize my son in the middle of the restraint just to get even, seemed kind of fair to me.
The next youngest came home when Steven was 14, after the first RTC. He did pick on my new son and sometimes triggered him, both are Bipolar and the younger one has IED. It was an effort to protect my youngest when things got bad. I was saved when the next stay in an RTC came along just before 16. What you are descibing is very difficult. What is your secret Cindie? John
John, This is really the first time we have ever met anyone in a similar situation as ours. It is almost calming. I really appreciate your filling us in on rtc’s. They did not commit to a discharge date for her other than the six month basis that Medicaid uses. Was your son on Medicaid? I thank God that we did not change her insurance when we adopted her. Financially I don’t think we would be able to pay for the RTC. We also did not realize that you can admit them more than once. I hope it does not come to that. We also have alot of problems with the RTC in the sense that the monthly treatment meetings I seem to get ran over at. They do not seem interested in my input and can’t seem to give me a straight answer on whether or not she is meeting her goals. Did you encounter any such troubles? Thanks again for listening.
Is your son currently in a group home at a RTC? You had mentioned that he still needs help. Just curious.
Thanks Steph
Steph, yes I do remember feeling run over at team meetings. As I was at it longer, I became more adept and assertive. My son went to the RTC by way of special ed, he was classified as severely disturbed, and met the criteria for RTC placment. It takes forever to go that route, about one year for a quick placement. The real downside is that it ends at 18, so he is an adult with problems.
No you are not likely to be able to afford it on your own, out here its 7 to 10 thousand a month. Don’t push for a discharge date, and do make it clear the goals you feel would be needed to feel safe having her come home. Push for them to explain where they see your daughter, keep the meeting going until they get there. Be careful about visits, they will have a protocol, but don’t let it feel like you are being pushed into a failure situation. I always pitched ‘no’ as ‘not in my son’s best intrests’, or ’setting the child up for failure’, either one is hard for them to blow off. There is a confusion and demoralization factor that was big for the first six months my son was there. Good luck. John
John, thanks for sharing all this, it is important for us all to realize that we’re not alone in this lifestyle we’ve chosen. I’d posted another blog on how little that I feel I know anymore.
Steph and Scrapsbynobody, sometimes there seem to be no answers, surely no easy answers, sometimes we get results, always we are frustrated.
What a day. I had yet another meaningless treatment meeting today with the RTC that our daughter is at. It started first with my heart racing at a quarter to two today. Just knowing that the meeting was going to start in fifteen minutes was enough to send me into a small panic attack. These treatment meetings are done via phone conference. The facility is about and hour and half away. Which totals 3 hours driving for and 30 minute meeting where I feel totally useless and ignored. So, I set them up via conference call. So two o’clock the phone rings at my job and we are off to a meeting. To my dismay my daughter is not there. I ask “is she running late?” Come to find out she was taking a nap. This is a teenager that requires an nap in the middle of the day. Where can I sign up for this treatment.? Here I am in a minny panic attack using my lunch break as a conference call to help my daughter. This set me off a little. Can you feel my anger here?????? Then the meeting proceeds with 9 of us trying to get our thoughts out in a 30 minutes meeting. Hello, What is up with this. I can’t get a word in edge
wise as the doctor continually asks my daughter key questions to check her progress and her response to all questions is ” I DON”T KNOW” Now we are really making progress because I was told today that she is doing better. Imagine that. But she still choses not to answer any questions. How can this be. Then it ends as strange as it began. We are out of time and the meeting must end. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I think to myself. Hang up the phone and go back to work. The panic attack dissapears and true dissapointment and frustration appears. I continue working and come home later to discuss this all with my husband who calmly states that we should call the Head of the RTC and complain. Oh, I say. And here comes a panic attack. More frustrating talk and no one listening. So here I am blabbing all this garbage to you all. Why, I am not sure. I think it is my therapy. Is this my safe haven? My soft place to fall. I think so. I realize right at this moment that I sound soooooo bitter compared to the rest of you. Sometimes I really do not like my daughter and am bitter. Today I am upset because here my husband and I are doing all the work and she gets to take naps in the afternoon. Yeah I am bitter. Forgive me today. Tommorrow is a new day.
Comment from: cedowosso [Member]
Finally a place to vent where someone else knows what it is like.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years he has 4 adopted children I have 3 natural born children. All of our children has had a parent die. We currently have my son 15 and his severly disturbed son 14 who is killing me. He has been in hospital short term twice in the last month. I am terminal as was his own adoptive Mother and he turned off my Oxygen Concentrator in the middle of the night, thank God for alarms, he has set his hair on fire, been on the roof out his window, hurts the animals, it just goes on and on. He does have adoption medical subsidy however because he was a placement adoption from an agency their was no regular subsidy and medical did not add Mental Illness as he has mild CP and all the other disorders. He has been with us for over a year and a half and is getting worse he has been in mental health care systems since age 5 he knows the drill. He was to into long term care placement until we found out the adoption medical sub. would not pay as it was not a condition prior to finalization of the adoption. His medicaid was cut off because my husband pension and my disability is to much like we make a lot here.
I have called the state senate office to complain and they have the mental health coodinator call and try to work on things to move forward like she knows how. To top it all off CMH services is now billing us for home visits because they now include SSD and RSDI as income. This child is either going to end up killing me literally or by a heart attack. I have 2-5 years left if I am lucky we have to supervise him 24/7 were are both totally drained, depressed, and have no energy at all. My son is going to visit next month from AZ and has 3 small children I have not seen my newest Grandson and have not seen my son in over a year and a half. I am so looking forward to there visit however I am so afraid my step-son will steal half there stuff as well as act out badly. There are not enough locks, alarms, nor vices to keep this child out of trouble. If anyone has any suggestion it would be most appreciated. We are at our witts end. Being terminally ill and not supposed to have stress just does not happen here. No one is helping out at all I have called every agency there is I have screamed, cried, and tried all that I know. HELP! please any suggestions.
cedowosso
07/28/07 @ 20:15