“You realize that a lot of information was kept from you, and psych evals were whitewashed, and the children are far and away more damaged than anyone even hinted at?"

If I had a dollar for each time I’ve been asked that question, my mortgage would be paid off.

What do you do when that happens? I received that in a comment the other day, and I did not want to flippantly reply.

I feel your pain. I really do, I’ve been there, done that and am still doing so in several cases. I’m as frustrated as anyone. I did not set out to adopt children who are severely disturbed; I merely wanted to nurture parentless children. When I was initially handed the checklist of issues that I felt I would be capable of handling within my home, I was shocked.

Sexual acting out behaviors, fire-setting, Tube feedings, medically challenged children…the list went on and on and I looked up issues I didn’t understand, I spoke to Special Education teachers, my adoption caseworker and other parents, feeling like I had, at least, a small grasp on the challenges.

But until one is neck deep in the battle, facing the issues head-on and desperately seeking resources, I’d hazard a guess that one is clueless as to one’s own abilities to rise to the challenges. I’ve failed miserably at times. Failed to prevent my children from breaking the law, or getting kicked out of school; I’ve failed at getting them available resources that may or may not exist…but is that a failure on my part? Is it a lapse in parenting or the kid’s inabilities to accept the help that’s been given to them?

I’ll step out on a limb and suggest that we naïve parents are woefully unprepared for what’s ahead of us when we adopt older children. There’s no way for anyone to know how seriously damaged the children have been. Caseworkers who make reports once a month don’t know, sometimes psych evals can’t paint a complete picture when the children don’t properly participate in the proceedings involved and even the foster parents, who work on caring for the children don’t have the extra edge of attachment parenting, since that isn’t their job, that we later face as adoptive parents and then whoo buddy do the issues fly in our faces.

So then what to do?

I only know, in our case, what I’d do. What I’ve done for years and that is to keep seeking treatments, resources and programs. If Medicaid is ever made unavailable to children adopted from the foster care system, then we’re sunk. But for now, it has been our biggest ally.

I know that I haven't answered the original question. I don't have an answer, and I'll share in the next post, another non-answer. This is an ongoing struggle.