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I am seeing a behavior pattern in one of my children lately that is really hard to figure out. I don’t feel like I should even write which kiddo it is, because I feel so bad about it and am having a hard time working through my feelings.
I’m sure when you have more than one child, that at least one of them will be an instigator. The child who pushes everyone’s buttons just to see them yell. Everyone can be getting along well and when the instigator shows up the room is quickly full of yelling and complaining. This is one of my kids right now. Every room she walks into, every situation she is in, game she plays or chore she does ends with yelling or hitting or a fit. She is so touchy and sensitive to touch, pain, words and actions, yet she loves to hit others, yell at other, roll her eyes and have screaming fits when anyone else does remotely the same treatment to her. I’m having a hard time having compassion for her right now, as I’m exhausted from this day to day craziness.
When I step away from the situation I can see how hard she is trying. She tries to be helpful, but ends up being in someone else’s way, or messing up something or doing the right thing at the wrong time. For example: She put away the dishes the other day to surprise me…they were still dirty. I, of course, said thank you but asked her to check next time to see if they were clean or dirty. She just stalks off grumbling. Her little sister is trying to figure out a new game on the Wii and big sister takes the control out of little sister’s hand to do it for her. This does not set well with little sister. I can see that she is trying to do good things and make good choices. It hurts me sometimes to see how hard she tries, yet she doesn’t always quite get it.
The other night I was relaxing at my parent’s house and just watched her play. She is so full of life and down right funny. Other parents and her teachers often go on and on about how great she is doing. I sometimes wonder if she works so hard to behave at school that when she is home she cannot handle anything more.
I often ask myself if this is just her personality, is it attachment problems or adoption issues? If I had to guess I think it is a little bit of all three.
My current mantra is this: Love Her, Hug Her, Hold Her, Encourage her to make good choices. I say this over and over to myself and hope I can accomplish what I need to do. She is an amazing child with so much to give. I’m overwhelmed at times with the responsibility of helping her reach her potential.
Sometimes we just have to get through a difficult phase and we may not ever have an epiphany on how to fix things. The consistency of showing love is all you may be able to do at times.
Do you have a mantra you use to get through tough times with your child? Please share your experiences.
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I understand your plight. I am an adult adoptee. Sounds like me when i was younger. But i never hit anyone. but in today’s society with everything on tv ….it is understandable that kids do what they when they are stressed.
on putting away the dishes that were dirty. No criticism to you, Maybe just say Thank you…and not mention that they were still dirty. Some times just positive re-enforcement is a starting point and constructive criticism just needs to wait a while. The hitting should absolutely not be tolerated under any circumstances. She will learn. Maybe explain to her other avenues for her anger. That is a hard one.
On the WII help…older siblings always do that, even non-adopted ones. I know…I have three.
I hope this is helpful and I again stress…i do not mean to be critical of your methods…Thank you for adopting an older child.
It takes a world of patience… I know it was not easy for my MOM now that i am older and a parent myself.
One day at a time. Possitive encouragement.