A while back, a reader commented on how she felt that the four kids she’d adopted hadn’t turned out so well and I immediately responded that I hoped I’d never given the impression that we’d had 100% success. I’m high on the fact that we have had some miraculous success stories to share, but we’ve been in the depths of hell at times also.

Yesterday one of my sons turned 19 in jail. He’s bipolar and a very difficult person. Men with guns, tasers, and handcuffs are having a tough time maintaining him there while he’s behind bars. No wonder I’m still struggling with my own version of PTSD after living with this guy for years. I’d have never survived it at all without the help of my older sons. This son, Joey, is one of the main reasons that I’m searching so far and wide to find residential psychiatric help for my son Jose who really aims his anger specifically at me. Joey just wanted to “Raise Hell,” – his own words – for the disruption and chaos he constantly created.

His two younger brothers, now 11 and 13, still live with me. The 13 year old is as normal as they come, the 11 year old has severe developmental delays, CP and behavior issues, but is a piece of cake after Joey’s years of destruction.

It’s a wonder I can still make a complete sentence after all that. I did lose a foot of my intestines this time last year but that’s another long story. While I was in the hospital for a week Joey stayed at my daughter’s house where three police cars had to subdue him one day. Two of my pastors also went over there to help; another pastor and his wife were tending to food for my other children.

I’m simply not willing anymore to live under dangerous stress that can and could result in injury to some of us.

I won’t do it.

I will continue to protect my children from others who have no conscience, no ability to reason, zero logic, and no control over their deadly impulses.

Another son, once too violent and dangerous to live with us, is improving at a wilderness camp while another daughter, with significant diagnoses, will soon be 18 and on her own. I dread the day as then there will be no parental limitations to protect her from herself.

I’d make myself crazy if I allowed me to obsess so much over that which I cannot control. I have to focus on the positives, to pour everything into the kids who need me so much and who respond to the help that I find for them.

At the moment, my elementary kids need to be at the school before 7:30 each morning for tutoring sessions. No problem, we get up early and we are grateful for this opportunity that has been in place for years. We’ve always taken advantage of this. Two more of my daughters will graduate from college next May at ages 30 and 31. I don’t care how long it takes, just get it done.