May 16th, 2011
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teenAs scary as that moment was, the thought of being adopted into a stranger’s home to be my “forever family” sounded pathetic, as if I needed a family or anyone else for that matter. Several times I was asked if I wanted to be eligible for adoption and every time a confidently said no. The same questions were asked when family members expressed interest in adopting my younger brothers, but given the familiarity with our foster home and the benefits that the state offered once we aged out of foster care I convinced them that adoption wasn’t necessary for any of us.

Despite how difficult it was for my brothers and I to maneuver through college the thought of wanting a family was quickly shaken out of my head. I never allowed myself to be bothered by the holidays where everyone went home and I stayed in my dorm room or the parent weekends filled with campus visits and care packages that my peers would enjoy. I had convinced myself that not only did I not care that I didn’t have parents but I was better off for not having them

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Last September that all changed. My older sisters husband had lost his hard fought battle with pancreatic cancer and as my brothers and I stood in the hallway with my sister and her in laws my sister who had always been strong began to weep uncontrollably. I had no idea what to do but my instincts said to hold her in my arms and try to comfort her, as I tried to  comfort her  I could feel her pushing away from me so I let her go, at that moment she began to walk towards the end of the hall just as her burly father. She leaped into his arms and he held her as she wept in his chest. Not knowing what else to do I said good bye to everyone that was there and headed home.

The trip home was a silent 3hr trip back to Austin from Houston on hwy 290. About halfway home I was overcome with emotion and began to cry uncontrollably. With my vision blurred and my hands shaking I pulled over and on the side of the road I cried out to the Heavens. What was once an afterthought had been awakened by the comfort and security my sister had with her father one that in that moment I realized that I will never have.

So on the side of the road I cried and prayed and like a little boy wanted to be held by my daddy, and for the first time ever I wished I had parents, I wish I had a forever family. In the middle of my sobbing and praying I was reminded of all of the trials that I’d experienced but somehow overcame them and to my comfort I realized that this whole time my Father had been holding me in His arms.

Written by: Chadwick S.

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2 Responses to “Teenage Denial”

  1. tsue says:

    Thanks for sharing. I was adopted when I was two. The State took me away along with my brother. Even though I don’t know what it is like to grow up without a family, I do know what it is like to feel like you never quite belong to anyone. I too have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and He is bringing me through a healing process. I grew up in a family where my Dad never wanted any kids and I have no memory of him holding me so that is why I like what you wrote. It is just a reminder that God has given me the word, “Precious” which means held.

  2. shonap says:

    Hi Chadwick, I loved your message! Your honesty and openness really touched my heart, because I related to the sense of rejection, sadness and loneliness that came through. I wanted to comment, that even having two parents doesn’t guarantee love, but it’s understandable that every child has that cry in their heart to have it. But by God’s grace and love we can heal that pain of what we didn’t have and grieve, mend and grow, until we feel okay to be able to go forward again.

    I was raised with both parents and 3 older siblings. At 11 years old, they split and I lived with Mum. My parents and I were outwardly okay but inside there was no closeness as I didn’t trust them. Their actions showed they didn’t put our well-being first, there was no love, joy or happiness directed at us. The older ones may have felt okay, but I was an ‘accident’ and it was bad timing. We lacked emotional connection; they were never happy with me and couldn’t accept my experiences or thoughts, so it was a miserable young life. Us siblings connected at times, but generally weren’t there for each other except on a surface level.

    The lack of a mother’s comfort and protection, lack of a father who had strength or gentleness was depressing. They didn’t have it to give. They made no effort to reach out and comfort us, when it counted. My value was ignored and invalidated, I felt abandoned. They were crappy to us yet expected us to pretend nothing bad happened, and were too proud to admit faults or say sorry. They had not had warm, loving, expressive parents either, so carried this into their marriage, which affected all of us kids.

    The GOOD NEWS is around 20, I learnt about God and accepted Jesus, He brought comfort and hope to my troubled soul. Even this morning, I cried out to God in despair – why did you give me this family? Why this group of people? Why so much pain and distance from each other? Why don’t we care or love anymore? Why are we defensive and un-trusting of each other? Why can’t we communicate better? Arrrrggghhhh.

    There was no answer. I said “thank you for the suffering”, which gave me peace. Not because I like it, or understand it, but I thought – there are worse experiences out there and part of this life is dealing with pain. I hold onto Jesus love to get through it, as He knew what pain He would suffer, but still looked ahead. He stayed connected with God, to get Him through. He knew the end result and that it was worth it. He told us we’d have pain too, and promised if we look ahead to the joy, it will come. When life ends, the (sin-caused) suffering will be done. Followers of Jesus will be in a real ‘home’ (heaven) with our genuine loving family (millions of brothers and sisters!) and get to enjoy His presence forever.

    When I saw your post I thought = Even when parents don’t want us, God wants us. Though our parent/s might not care, God cares. And He always will. We don’t see Him now, but He speaks to us sometimes, in many ways. For now, we see and hear each other and can share love, just by understanding life’s disappointments, being honest about life’s struggles and how we got through them. And with God, we DO get through them. After which, we give comfort and compassion to others who are in pain like we are/ were, and that in turn gives them hope! God WANTS US!

    Bless you and other readers. : )

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