My faith was shot. I didn't have anything else to say to God. I was angry. How could he dare let this happen to me. I loved him. I served him. I helped other people. I did all this for what? I was bitter.

The night before my operation my Mother In Law called me. She explained to me how very very important it was for Gary (my husband) to have children. I giggled and half heartedly said I had been trying to get him pregnant for 12 years but he just wouldn't conceive.

I hung up the phone and I broke out in tears. This time of angry tears. How could she call me on the eve of my hysterectomy and do this. She was a heartless witch.

I don't remember much of the next day. Except pulling myself up in bed and feeling like someone had sawed me in two. I snuck away to the showers and let the hot water run over me. Trying to block out the noise around me. They had put me on the maternity ward to recover.

How ignorant was that. Babies crying all around me.
I just wanted out of there. When my doctor came in.
I demanded she let me go home. She told me if I was still doing well in the morning she would release me.

That night was a living hell for me. Women in labor all around me. Babies crying. It was a barren woman's worse night mare.

The next few months just seemed to drift by in a state of disbelief for me. I went back to work.
That year I must have gotten seven invitations to baby showers. I could not even venture to buy a gift. I had my husband pick up a card and I put money in them and mailed them on their way.

I found it very hard to be near children. My heart ached. I wanted to be a mom so badly. I felt like that was my purpose in life. To be a good wife and raise a family with the man I loved.

I was so gifted in art and loved to work with children and bake with them. I taught Sunday school for preschoolers. My life was a mess.

I kept blaming God saying to him that all I had asked for was just one child. Just one. But for me that was to much for him to handle.

It took me about six months before my emotions settled down and I ventured to ask my husband about his view on adoption. I am so blessed with such a wonderful man. He told me as long as he and I were together he would do anything to make us happy.

We decided to visit a Foster Agency. We wanted to see how children would fit into our life and how we would fit into theirs. I was afraid that my emotions were to raw and that I could not handle it.

Much to my surprise we found ourselves basking in the joy of being parents. Our foster children fit right in and we had a blast building a home together.

We ended up adopting a unit of siblings. We decided to let our foster license go and we would concentrate on raising this group of kids. Always knowing we would return to foster care when our kids were grown.

We were just meant to be parents. We go all out for Christmas, Halloween and Easter Holidays. We created a nice life with so many wonderful memories.

It took me a long time to find my faith again. To stop blaming God. It eventually had to return to me because I don't know how anyone could be a parent and not know how to pray. It just comes with the job.

But no one really knows the guilt, hurt, insecurity and rage that fills up within you...as a barren woman. Not unless you have been there and lived through it.

Something young girls do so easily like get pregnant.
We can't do no matter how hard we try or pray.
When you see a child left alone on a door step or hear of a parent abusing a baby. It rips the soul out of you.

I think I could easily push the button on death row for any child molester or child murderer. I would not even loose a nights sleep over it.

But by the grace of God. He allowed my husband and I and our adopted children to become a family. Even without my faith. He still honored my dreams and allowed me to become a mother of his children.

Moral of the story......Never give up hope. God just works in very mysterious ways.