I should permanently title my posts, "The Struggles Involved in Older Child Adoption."

I’d kindly advise all adoptive parents to stop what they’re doing right now and go read Nancy Spoolstra’s post today. Read Parts 1-5 for a brutally honest look at what we often seem to be up against. Her Tommy is my Fabian and her Amy is my Teresa. I don’t doubt that other parents will see their own children mirrored in these descriptions.

So when does a parent throw in the towel? When is it enough? When have we tried so hard that we do so at the expense of everyone else?

Why do we then feel like a failure? The kid quit on the family, not the family quitting on the kid. Yet many of our children have been so profoundly damaged that nothing will ever be enough. We can’t bandage them on the inside.

After all these years I have many more questions than answers. I still don’t know when it’s enough.

I sat here with breakfast dishes still in the sink, lost in Nancy’s world, reading every word, wondering if she’d been looking in our windows or reading our mail as she seemed to be telling our story.

I could feel her pain and her sweat, her efforts and her head butting attempts to get help for children who don’t want to change, who are so entrenched in their behaviors. I have 5 out-of-home placements right now if I also count an 18 year old who’s in jail. 5 out of 39 scares me.

I just spent 45 minutes listening to my extremely intelligent Army son, who’s coming back for his last two years of college, bellyache about the ignorance he’s just experienced on base. He’s terribly frustrated with everyone that seems to not care about results and this son of mine spent most of his life here in my home with a family full of issues. He could step back and understand the reasons behind the raging here but he can’t deal with supposedly adult folks who act up.

He’d called me, knowing I’d understand his aggravation, yet he ended up calming me down since my 16 year old had run away last night. “Mom, they’ll all pull through, you know that.”

He’s right and I do know that. Nancy succinctly described what so many of us go through to get our children where they need to be, usually against their will though.

From the comments I receive on these blogs I’m painfully aware that so many others are fighting these same battles with their children who feel so worthless, wounded and afraid to trust anyone.

I appreciate Nancy and the other parents being strong for us all, for being open and honest about their struggles and Sally Sunshine here still believes against all odds that everything is going to work out in the end. Even for my five that cannot control either their anger or their issues.

I believe this for your children as well. I see how hard everyone is trying.