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When bringing a new child into the home our first reaction seems to be – Buy! We want to get nice, new clothes, toys, bedspreads and bath towels with cartoons on them. None of these things are inherently bad, but we must consider what is best for our kids.
Most of our older kids have had very little of their own and may have never had anything brand new at all. Like toddlers it takes time for them to learn how to take care of things. Start small with a couple outfits in the closet, some socks and underwear in the drawers and a doll or Mp3 player depending on the age of your child. A few books on a shelf and a new back pack are also nice items to have. The more “things” around the child seems to overstimulate them and many kids destroy the clothes and toys quite quickly. Start small and work your way up as the child learns and gets used to all the stuff.
You also want to teach them from the start about how we accumilate things. I noticed that Mita and Enu treated their things badly and when something broke they expected me to replace it. They learned quickly that Mommy doesn’t replace things that have not been taken care of. The concept of money is still hard for them as they are learning a entire new money system (they are from Ethiopia).
It can be frustrating to us to see our kids destroy toys, clothes and other items that we are so happy to have provided them with. If this is your first time parenting, I imagine it could be very upsetting.
I remember Enu throwing a toy van down the stairs and breaking it. I was so distraught. The van was replacible. I knew that. It just hurt me so much that a treasured toy of Meg’s could be treated so badly. Meg didn’t care, she had outgrown it a long time ago, but I hurt.
We must remember that they are just “Things” afterall and not get too upset, but it is also imperative that we limit the material items that surround our children. iPods, DVDs, Wii’s, tennis shoes, dress shoes, summer shoes, snow boots…it is very overwleming for them.
If you have other kids in the home (biological or previously adopted) I would encourage you to give them their own space for special items. While Mita and Enu didn’t destroy anything important of Meg and Elle’s, I have heard of this happening in other families. Newer adopted kids may have a jealously of what the other kids have, and end of ruining things in the name of “it’s unfair”. A small trunk with a combination lock is what we gave Meg. She felt like she had some control and privacy and Mita and Enu learned that because they were not taking care of things that they did not have access to their sisters special stuff.
Before we brought the girls home, I had read about other parents limiting access to certain rooms. I was outraged and thought this was showing unfairness, and favoritism to certain kids. I now totally understand why sometimes it comes to this. Hopefully, it is only for a limited amount of time, but it may be necessary to keep the peace in your home.
With those of you with older adopted children at home, have you learned any special ways to help with your kids get used to material goods? Please share with us all!
Photo Credit: MandyW 2009
The things issue is definitely a toughy. What I struggle with is the constant “gimmies”. I don’t know if this is the way it is with all foster kiddos, but boy do our boys have a lot of crap! I was shocked the first time I saw all the presents my foster daughter got for Christmas, and she acted like it was no big thing. Now we are trying to teach that these “things” are not a right, but a privilege, and it’s very hard.