One of the hardest things that a parent, adoptive or birth, sometimes has to do is to appear to ‘turn one’s back’ on their law-breaking children. To do otherwise would simply enable said child to continue a life of crime.

Many of us that are involved in the adoption of older children find ourselves with the unenviable task of teaching rules and negative consequences to children who’ve come out of criminal backgrounds, often their birth parents are in jail or prison, or have been there more than once.

Several of my children grew up in household situations where there were generational lawbreakers, where drug dealing, stealing for a living, or other criminal enterprises was the norm. And here I am, a church-going, right and wrong, rule following, bill paying, upright, straight-laced member of society trying to teach children, who often came from severe backgrounds of deprivation and lack, how to behave.

My broken record, “If I don’t teach you right from wrong, then the world will do so,” repeated so often the kids roll their eyes, until they find themselves in trouble for what they’ve done and who do they run to? Duh, it’s me.

I have to then walk a very thin line between ‘helping’ them get through their ordeal while not appearing to condone what has happened. I don’t teach nor coach them on methods designed to get them out of trouble, but rather to take their licks and pay their dues. If I did not do this, then they’d not learn and they’d escalate their crimes. Then I believe it really would be my fault. I’m supposed to teach them.

Tough Love is hard. If you are one of the numerous parents dealing with this I’d highly recommend that you read the classic book,Tough Love, by Phyllis York. On-line book stores still carry it.

"We're glad to see you . . . We're sorry you had to come."
The above statement is the welcoming phrase of the TOUGHLOVE ® International program. Its simple message both reflects hope for the future and acknowledges the pain of trying to parent an out-of-control youngster.

I remember an alcoholic I knew; his mother was the classic enabler. Now he’s nearly 60, still living under her protective wing where he’s allowed to drink all he wants and she shelters him from all consequences, handicapping him from any lesson learning at all, he’ll always be that way, in and out of jail and truthfully I see it as partly her fault.

Another adoptive parent has bravely blogged his heartache over his difficult decision that was made in the hopes of allowing his son to learn. I hear from parents constantly about this. It seems to hurt us parents much worse that it does the kids. My own son, enjoying three hots and a cot, penned up with other thugs like him who laugh in the face of law abiders, thinking we’re the stupid ones, that the cool ones are their cohorts in crime. I will not allow this son to live with us anymore; he’s almost 19 and he must learn his lessons or face a life in the old grey bar hotel.

I followed Tough Love principles several years ago on another son of mine with wonderful results. He’s now a hard-working father, sometimes fighting a bad attitude, but he’s a bill paying, law abiding 24 year old now with his own apartment.

I cannot imagine where’d he’d be had I tried to shelter him from the natural fallout of his own actions. Instead he paid for his attorneys, paid his fines, and served his different probationary periods. It took several incidents before he finally learned. I am grateful to what I learned from Tough Love.