e-mail
Transitions or transitional periods seem to be buzz words with parenting all children. If you have yet to be a parent, be forewarned and study up on how to make transitions easier for your future children.
When I speak of transitions I am not talking about big, life-changing events like adoption, moving to a new house or gaining a new sibling. Those are obvious transitions that we tend to work at making them as easy as possible. I am talking about simple daily activities such as the transition between school and home, dinner time and homework time, bedtime, chores…the list goes on and on. Simple transitions that we have to do, we cannot get away from and transitions that are so routine that you cannot believe your kids cannot handle them.
I must say that trouble transitioning can be seen in all children, biological or adopted. A child who feels secure, has a consistant parent (caregiver) may have less issues with transitioning than the child who has multiple caregivers, abandoment in their history or any type of trauma.
When I only had one child, I prided myself on good transitioning. I always let Meg know our plans, how our day was going to go and what she should expect. I also prepped her for certain events that may or may not happen so she would know how to handle them. I never snuck out of the house without saying goodbye to her and we had no problems with transitions.
Then I had Elle. A different child, a different personality and she handle transitions a bit differently. She was a bit more clingy and more of a daddy’s girls since I worked two days a week when she was an infant and Hubby had her when I worked nights. Still, we really had no problems with transitions, big or small.
Then came Mita and Enu. Two precious girls who have very high anxiety levels. They worry about what they are going to eat next, who is coming over, what will be on TV after the show they are watching is over. I treated them like I treated Meg and Enu when they were little. I prepped them for what was going to happen and why. They didn’t respond like Meg and Elle though. They were not secure in the knowledge that Mommy is in charge and will protect us and always come back to us.
I have found out that if I prep Mita on what will be happening during the day, that she sees me as bossy and tries to do the exact opposite of what I say. For example, “Mita, we are going to the store after lunch.” Her response is a whine and I may even get some stomping feet. If I say, however, “Mita I need to go to the store today, do you think we should go before or after lunch?” She feels more in control, yet I’m still going to the store like I need to. If I involve her with the planning she is much more secure and agreeable. Little side trips or unplanned stops make her very unsettled.
Enu is a different story. If I prep her or if she has two transitions close together (school, libray and then home instead of school and home) she gets more antsy, loud and very jumpy. Her eyes get really wide and it’s like she is on an adventure that might not be fun, but she isn’t sure. With Enu I have to let her know shortly before we do something or change something and I have to be very certain it is going to happen or she will melt down emotionally and be a wreck for the entire day. I’m careful not to make everything a surprise and if it is unexpected I give her a little bit of time to absorb it. I cannot say, “Hey, lets take a walk right now.” it has to be more, “I would like to take a walk with you. Lets get a snack and use the restroom then go.”
Activities or stimulations that I find make transitions harder:
TV - It is way to distracting and can make my kids turn into non-productive couch potatoes. It is hard to get them ready to leave when they stop getting ready and stare at the screen.
Loud music – I have to keep it at a nice quiet tone in the car and at home.
Phone - My kids cannot call other kids on school days (only sometimes if it is homework related). This may change as they mature, but right now the girls just start whining about what there friends are allowed to do and they cannot. It is hard for them to be settled at their home when thinking of another person’s home.
After-school playdates - In my experience it is just to much right now to got from school to friend’s house to home. Meltdowns happen and very bad manners normally are demonstrated.
Soft classical music, natural light and hugs tend to be very helpful with transitioning time. If I do some deep breathing, the kids start to breath deeper and the entire atmosphere relaxes.
Of course life is messy and our days don’t always go as planned. The important thing is to be as understanding as possible and to not yell at them. I’ve yelled before…it does nothing but increase anxiety!
