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Yesterday’s missing baby was found safe thankfully. The story also opens a window to an explanation; an answer to a question I am often asked, regarding my children, “What happened to their mother?” There are many reasons, represented in my household alone, for the surrender or court order involving termination of parental rights.
In our family, it was usually due to neglect and abuse charges.
Bewildered children, after years in foster care, would be adopted by me, usually in sibling groups, and always, not totally understanding that this new lady, me, was totally committed. In their eyes, I was just another placement, the words ‘adoption is forever’ had no meaning in their transitory lives; this appeared to be just one more place to live.
Often my children’s birth parents were terribly overwhelmed on many levels. Usually a loss of formal education prevented any of them from holding jobs; the subsequent lack of earned money was a major problem. Many of my children came from generational neglect and abuse, extended family support was nil.
Drug and alcohol addictions, gang involvement, mental illness, drunken rages, violence, and abandonment all played varying roles in the terminations involved. Having a large family means there are many different examples within our group…with many resulting emotional issues as well.
One of my daughters will turn 18 in just a couple more months, she arrived here at age 12 with her six siblings. She’s a quiet, non-demanding, nearly impassive daughter who’s not given me all that much trouble over the years. She’s done well in school, played high school sports, and now works part-time. I’d caught her sneaking back in the house last summer, after an apparent night on the town, and I grounded her for the rest of the summer.
Interestingly enough, that translated into her mind as Mama Cares and she did not rebel against the restrictions, as I’ve often had other children do. She started shadowing me, paying more attention to the family, responding in a very interesting manner by being the one to say, “I love you, Mom,” without me saying it first.
I even remarked on it, receiving an, “well I trust you now,” response from her, there 60 months into the placement. She was also watching me like a hawk as I dealt with her very troubled younger brother, he’s 15 and residing now in a juvenile detention facility and his DJJ worker and I are still trying to find him a therapeutic confinement rather than a punitive one. This also translates to his birth siblings as Mama Cares by her actions.
They’ve heard words all their lives, both in English and in Spanish, but the only actions they’ve ever seen, demonstrating 110% commitment have come here from me, and slowly they are responding appropriately.
Do you get the question “What happened to their mother” from strangers, and how do you answer such a personal question without your children feeling like you are divulging too much info about their personal story? This coming from a mom who would like to tell people to but out, but don’t want to be a negative adoptive mother.
I tiptoe around it, especially if my kids are right there. I’m usually vague, kind of politely blow people off and just say this was a former foster care situation or something equally as bland.