A friend of mine recently adopted a little girl from the Ukraine, I think she’s about six years old, and my friend had initially and erroneously thought that an older child would be somewhat independent.

She writes, “It never occurred to me that parenting an older child is still like starting from square one (and especially one who speaks a different language). She has to touch, taste and smell everything.”

I’ve found this to be a universal truth in the adoption of older children.

They’ve been so many places with no stability, their heads are spinning, and their senses dulled. They look at new parents with little interest; we may be just another caretaker in a long line of such. Why bother getting attached?

Everything is different once again, the touch of another mother, her smell, the taste of different food, new routines, new rules, a new set of expectations, and even a new name.

Pre-teens coming in have to start all over, establish yet another identity. Who should they rebel against? They just met me; they don’t even know what I’ll do, or how they think they should react.

They have a head full of memories, some horrific, some interesting and to some degree all are lost now. They simply don’t know who they are anymore and I’ve watched 38 kids try and figure it out.

All are emotionally stunted, never having had their basic needs met, none trust me, some are developmentally delayed, all have issues, most are angry at the world and I’m just a naïve little pipsqueak thinking I can make a difference.

I’m always glad to see them, to meet them and to have them join our family. They are wary and burnt out, wondering how long until I quit also…like everyone else has done.

It’s like starting over with a newborn in so many ways as I teach them, show them, and prove to them that I’m for real. Even in their twenties they are still emotionally needy and rightfully so as they were gypped out of their proper emotional development.

I can step back usually and see this, but the day to day navigation of our family building from the ground up is challenging, draining and ultimately rewarding. It’s like getting some very large, hard-headed newborns.