e-mail
Our trip to Disney World gave me a lot to think about. Some of these things to think about aren’t easy topics with easy solutions, but tough questions that have no answers.
Mita is going to be ten in a week (on paper anyway, she looks about 13!). In her years on Earth she has lost a mother to AIDS, lost a father through relinquishment and lost her country, culture and language through adoption. That is more than most of us ever lose in a lifetime. I do treasure the fact that they can remember Ethiopia and their family, but with those memories comes the feeling of loss and the very real feeling of pain.
If you add the pain of budding puberty, a growth spurt that has had her grow from a size 5 to a size 12 in less than two years, and all the complications that adoption can bring…well lets just say that positive thinking, hopes and wishes don’t really account for much to Mita at this time.
Disney, of course, is the happiest place on Earth. Every song is full of hope and dreams coming true. I heard Mita say quite a few times under her breath, “My wishes don’t come true.” One time she gave me such a dirty look I could have swore that her wish had just been of my untimely demise!
I could understand why she would be down or negative about wishes, but I couldn’t grasp why she was so angry. Well, she let us know why. As hard as her words sometimes are, we are so pleased that she does communicate with us what she is feeling. It may be after hours or days of ruminating, or in a note, but she lets us know.
She was angry. She felt like everyone was lying to her. Lying about Santa Claus, the tooth-fairy and that dreams come true if you wish hard enough. She felt like we were making fun of her, by taunting her with these things. We explained, the best we could, about Santa and the tooth fairy being fun and exciting tales to excite children and parents. Disney talks about wishes and dreams because it makes us hopeful and happy. We acknowledged to her that we know that all dreams don’t come true, that bad things happen to good people, not just the villains.
I think she got it. She even went on with playing along with our five-year-olds imagination about the princesses. I don’t think I will ever see a Disney firework display or hear a happy dream coming true song without thinking of my Mita and the struggles she is going through.
When working with our older adopted children we need to be frank and not sugar coat things, but I still believe it is important to promote hope, imagination and dreams in our kids. They have life experiences that will most likely always make them cautious, doubtful and weary. However, our consistent love, presence and encouragement can help them regain some childhood.
I felt the same way about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. We don’t “do” them. That is, we tell Jack they’re characters. I don’t think that pretending they’re real – especially to the extents some families go to – is harmless. It’s interesting that Mita agrees with me. Most people think I’m ruining the “fun” for my son.
Disney is about wishes and dreams, due in large part to Walt Disney’s own history. He never graduated high school and worked his way up from literally having nothing to creating this huge corporation that has the highest level of international recognition. It’s a story that you might share with Mita, if she’s into that sort of thing.
My best friend doesn’t “do” the Santa, tooth fairy, easter bunny thing either. I respect this, but have so enjoyed my kids early memories involving these characters. My oldest,upon learning there was no Santa, promptly told Hubby and I “thank you” for all the gifts we had given her under the guise of Santa. It was very sweet and didn’t cause her any anger, but she has had a charmed life compared to some children.
With Mita and Enu I wasn’t going to do the tooth fairy as I thought it would be confusing, but my oldest went with it with gusto and Elle was still so young. Apparently in Ethiopia they have a bird that comes and takes the lost tooth away so the girls already knew of a tooth character? Interesting! Of course Mita was old enough not to believe it, but played along with her sisters.
I’ve always answered Mita’s questions truthfully and she has never really bought the santa thing, but didn’t understand that I knew she knew and thought I was making fun of her. I explained that we kept talking about santa because of her sisters and I think she gets it now. If we had all older kids or no kids before the adoption I would have skipped it all. I actually would have skipped the holidays at first as well, as they are so stressful on the kids.
Thanks for you input!
Mandy